739. How to Get Tuned Back Into Yourself

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44:06

Most people were trained to look outside themselves for every answer, and the habit runs so deep it stops feeling like a choice. Well-Being therapist Jamie Lerner joins Lesley Logan to make the case that the knowing was always there, and getting back to it takes ten minutes a day, not a seventeen-point journal and a three-hour workshop. Jamie explains why laughter beats self-judgment, how alignment makes action feel effortless, and why procrastination might be the friend nobody told you about.


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In this episode you will learn about:

  • How seeking outside becomes the excuse not to look within.
  • Why Jamie says not to share your knowing with anyone.
  • Laughter as the pattern for catching yourself judging others.
  • 10 minutes a day is enough to get tuned back into yourself.
  • Reframing procrastination as time to get into alignment.


Episode References/Links:


Guest Bio:

Jamie Lerner, co-author of the book The Ever-Loving Essence of You, can put a fresh spin on just about anything that anyone throws her way. Her unique and masterful ability to re-frame even the most difficult situations is astounding. All of a sudden, your biggest nightmare becomes your greatest pleasure as she lovingly helps you sift through the contrast and find that small opening of light that quickly becomes your greatest jumping off point for clarity. Unassuming, reassuring and seemingly without any sense of ego, Jamie Lerner is able to put everyone and everything at ease. Jamie Lerner is an asset to any corporate setting. She is easily able to untangle the issues at hand and move right along into helping facilitate a solution-based platform for creative, productive, good-feeling collaboration and change. Jamie Lerner can most often be seen working with adults, teens, children, and couples as well as with small groups. She never positions herself as the expert of anything and is always reminding you that it is you who knows best for yourself ALWAYS. Jamie is an Integrative Well-Being Therapist who resides in the Southern California area.


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Episode Transcript:

Jamie Lerner 0:00  

When we make our own schedules based on our own needs, that we can offer so much more to others because we know what we need for ourselves first and foremost. And if you don't nourish yourself, it's really impossible to assist others because you feel resentful, and that doesn't feel good to other people or to you.


Lesley Logan 0:21  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast, where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world, and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity, and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guests will bring bold, executable, intrinsic, and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and be it till you see it. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started. 


Lesley Logan 1:03  

Oh my goodness, loves! I am doing this intro with the most knowing, the most calm I could be. So obviously, that's a different, like it's a hummingbird calm. But the most calm and joyful, but thoughtful, and I mean, you're going to hear the word "knowing" a few times in this podcast. We have an incredible guest for you. I'm going to tell you right now. You're going to want to listen to this again. It is just wonderful reminder after reminder after reminder for you, my love. Listening to this because it's so easy to look outside of ourselves and then have frustrations about things that are going on. And our guest today is Jamie Lerner, and she is just going to help you find your absolute wonderful you-ness, your essence, and I don't mean that we're not. And this is not a double woo episode at all. This isn't even a woo. This is 100% authentic for you. I'm so excited to listen, and I hope you hit repeat, and I hope you share it with a friend, and I hope you check out what Jamie is doing if it really resonates with you because my goodness, I know I'm going to listen to this episode a few times because I just so many great reminders of what I knew. But sometimes you just get distracted because life gets crazy, and so this hopefully is your put on repeat when you need that. Here's Jamie Lerner. 


Lesley Logan 2:18  

All right, Be It babe, this is gonna be a magical conversation. Get ready. Be inspired, and really excited because we have the Jamie Lerner here, and I'm really thrilled. I got to meet her a while back, and just I'm amazed at what she's doing, and was so excited to talk to her. I had to bring her on. So, Jamie, can you tell everyone who you are and what you rock at?


Jamie Lerner 2:36  

Yes. So, I am a well-being therapist, and I used to do psychotherapy, and felt like after a while that was just not working for me or the people that I was supposedly serving. So I shifted out of that, and now doing something completely different, which is assisting people in assisting themselves from getting from where they are to where they want to be.


Lesley Logan 3:03  

Well, of course we have to have you on because this is called "Be It Till You See It." So you got to know where you want to be and where you are. So this is the perfect combination. You can help them. I've been trying, but this is not my forte. This is how I do my life. I just kind of act as if I'm mayor already. But you, you know how to do that?


Jamie Lerner 3:21  

Well, I just know how to assist people to assist themselves because that is the whole point. That hopefully they don't need me for too long because they're, yeah, they're back to recreating the relationship with themselves, and that's where it all comes from.


Lesley Logan 3:37  

Oh, I love that. I also love the idea that the goal is that they don't need you forever.


Jamie Lerner 3:42  

Exactly.


Lesley Logan 3:43  

Yeah, because I do think sometimes people get a little attached and they feel like they can't do it with some without somebody. I'm a Pilates instructor and I teach a lot of instructors as well to let your clients they need to take ownership of their practice because it's yes, they it's good to have eyes on them and it's good for me to be there for safety. But if when they leave the studio, they're the ones who are walking and running and picking things up, I can't tell them what to do all the time. Otherwise, they don't know how to do it.


Jamie Lerner 4:10  

Exactly.


Lesley Logan 4:11  

Well, I want to get into. You just said something. It comes from their well-being. It comes from them. I feel like we're probably born with the ability to know who we are and who we want to be, and then I don't know. Maybe we're not, and then but then the world messes things up, and then we lose track of who we are and what we want to do. Is that the case? Is it something that we all have to discover, anyways? Kind of what? What do you see is is keeping people from being taking ownership and having that well-being?


Jamie Lerner 4:37  

So I think we're all born with the knowing, and I think just the contrast of life, we tend to be asked to look outside of ourselves for mostly everything, and so there isn't that sense that we could trust ourselves, and so it's much easier to seek outside instead of looking inward for the answer. However, I think it's very easy to get back to that, and when we do, it feels familiar, like coming home to ourselves, and that's when it gets really fun.


Lesley Logan 5:14  

Oh, I love that! You are right. It doesn't really matter what your career is. There's always this idea of what are other people going to think, or how do I make sure that I get the validation out there? And it's so easy for that to become-it's a need. I mean, obviously, constructive feedback and things like that are helpful, but somehow that can become a habit of where you're no longer listening to yourself.


Jamie Lerner 5:37  

I think that is the case, and it also becomes the excuse. So a lot of people are unaware of how often they use that excuse not to look within. And for most people, it's easier. It's scary when you have to quiet your mind chatter and really start to hear your own voice and your own inner knowing. So we just defer to everybody and everything else. However, it never quite feels right. I mean, who would know better for you than you? Nobody. Yeah.


Lesley Logan 6:11  

Oh, I do. I do love that because I mean, it's all. It's always hard for me to. I feel like for my mind to be quiet. My listeners know I'm an Aquarius, so there's a lot in there. A lot of chatter. The ADHD definitely goes strong. But I found ways where I when I fell in love with Pilates, my mind actually quiet got quiet, and I felt like in my body. And so I become kind of obsessed because every time I was in my Pilates and actually getting that mind-body connection, my mind was quiet, and I could hear these thoughts. You don't like to live here anymore, and I'm wow. What a weird thought to have, you know. So I will. We have to find these ways to quiet our mind. Do you have tools for people? Because I mean, most people are told to meditate, and a number of people I know who feel like they can't meditate. It's really makes it feel like one more thing they can't do.


Jamie Lerner 6:59  

Yeah and I think the idea of meditation is very intimidating because somehow we feel like there's just one way to do it, and we're never going to do it correctly. And I think meditation is just quieting the mind and being still and connected with yourself, even if it's five minutes, any point in the day where you can be so present that you can receive the thoughts that you're having in a way that's lovingly curious.


Lesley Logan 7:26  

Oh, well, that's hard, Jamie, lovingly curious. My listeners are recovering perfectionists and overachievers who are very rarely lovingly curious on themselves. You know what I mean? I find people to now more than ever they're so harsh on themselves. They're so loving towards others. They're so quick to give compliments to other people, and they're so hard on themselves.


Jamie Lerner 7:47  

But I think when we give people permission to do it, then it's easier. And I don't think we get that permission often. But to ask someone to do it, even as homework assignment to hear and feel something about yourself that you appreciate. One thing, not something that someone appreciates about you, but something that you appreciate about yourself. And I think that's a lovingly curious invitation.


Lesley Logan 8:19  

I do love that. What a great homework assignment. Everyone, write that down. That's your homework for number one. I'm glad you brought that up because one of the reasons I started this podcast is I found myself being in these amazing groups of people and not feeling like I could articulate questions. People had great questions, and I was like, "Oh, that's a great question. Oh, that's a great question." I would learn from their questions, but I was, they go, "Lesley, what's your question?" I'm like, "Oh, oh my God! What's my question? The pressure to come up with a question? And I found my brain judging the question. Oh, you could just look that up, or oh, you could just figure that out on yourself, or actually, that's just like that person's question. So you could probably use this answer. Not allowing myself permission in a space where I was allowed to be curious. So I love that you gave us an assignment because I do think it's kind of hard to be curious when you're an adult. It's easy when you're a kid, and then somewhere along the way, your crazy curious questions can get annoying to someone, or maybe get shut down, or maybe some reason you don't feel like you can ask us anymore. So, are there other curious questions we can lovingly ask ourselves?


Jamie Lerner 9:19  

It's all curiosity, and it's all for yourself and about yourself. So, really, there is no judgment whatsoever.


Lesley Logan 9:29  

What about the people who have the habit of being so judgy? You know what I mean? 


Jamie Lerner 9:32  

They're just all disconnected. So, when you notice that you're being judgmental of another, it's really good to laugh because you understand that you're just projecting how you feel about yourself on another, which means you're disconnected, and so you know you could be laughing all day in a lovingly curious way, just kind of catching yourself and being, oh yeah, here I go again. Jamie, I'm gonna think about you every time I catch myself in judgment of another because it's true. You it is always the thing that you don't like about yourself, but you're doing on them, and because it's interesting, right? Because you can you can have the consciousness that that's what you're doing because now you're aware, but then what do you what do you interrupt the thought with? This is the first time. This is the first time anyone's ever giving me that. But it's great because you're laughing with yourself all day long with yourself, not at yourself, and that becomes an observation of how often you're disconnected in a moment, and then knowing that in the next moment, just the realization and laughter allows you to reconnect with yourself. So there's really no time to judge yourself for judging others. It's just among them.


Lesley Logan 10:50  

Oh my goodness. Okay. Well, my mind is blown for the third time already. So early on this podcast, Jamie, you mentioned the journey to getting to being this person to help people because first you were a psychotherapist and now this now you're this well-being coach. We all know life isn't linear and there's all these little obstacles along the way. Can you talk about kind of any Be It Till You See It moments for yourself on how you could? I'm sure there's people that were wondering why are you switching this amazing career that you went to school for. I'm sure there's these different things and how did you kind of handle that or navigate that?


Jamie Lerner 11:23  

Well, I was born with the knowing, and I knew that from the moment I was born, and I never turned away from the knowing. So I always heard and continue to always hear my own voice, and I believe that other people felt that way too, because I think that that was my natural state of well-being. My issues were with my mom, who I did not have an emotional connection with at all. It was perplexing to me. How could I be so connected to myself and have no connection with her? But when I went to school for psychology, and then decided I was going to do private practice. It was about psychotherapy and asking people to look back. And I realized looking back is not helping anyone move forward. As a matter of fact, it becomes the very excuse why they don't move forward. And I realized, like, this doesn't feel good to me. I cannot continue to assist people in what I feel is just not feeling good. So I gave it up, and I studied, and I traveled. But mostly, I looked within myself and realized that my superpower is the connection I have with myself and taking personal responsibility. And I think that that's everybody's superpower. However, it's a hard sell. People want to do anything but take personal responsibility. 


Lesley Logan 12:49  

Yeah, they will. They will because I will talk to people about a dream schedule or just your ideal schedule because that's going to have you as a priority in it, and they'll come up with every excuse why that can't happen. My kid, this, my mom needs this. My dog is special needs, and all all the things, right? And okay, but at some point, you have to take responsibility for those things so that you can either change it, or you're just gonna live. You can keep living like this, and then don't come and complain to me in this moment that you're doing. 


Jamie Lerner 13:20  

Well, we live in this victim mentality society, and we get rewarded for being the victim, especially for women. You know, we get rewarded for putting ourselves last, being overworked, because we have all these other things that are so much more important. And I really feel like we hide behind that because we don't know how to include ourselves in self-care or giving ourselves permission to make time to do things that we really would like to be doing for ourselves, to nurture ourselves, to nourish ourselves so that we can care for others.


Lesley Logan 13:52  

Yeah.


Jamie Lerner 13:52  

Once again, the permission goes a long way.


Lesley Logan 13:55  

Yeah. You know, you bring up something interesting: the nourishment of ourselves with society out there telling every person how they're supposed to look and what they're supposed to be doing, we have this. I thought we were past it, Jamie. I really thought we got we thought we got past it, but now we've got these girls wasting away again. And it's if you are not nourishing yourself, you cannot be connected to yourself. You cannot have inner knowing because your brain is your brain and body are tired. They cannot function. They're in survival states, right? We have to nourishing ourselves as is is is mind-body, but really, like you still got to nourish the body's fuel, so you can connect, right?


Jamie Lerner 14:29  

Well, this is true, and we don't have to do it, but it is a really nice option. And I think that when we make our own schedules based on our own needs, that we can offer so much more to others because we know what we need for ourselves first and foremost. And if you don't nourish yourself, it's really impossible to assist others because you feel resentful, and that doesn't feel good to other people or to you.


Lesley Logan 14:55  

I couldn't agree more, Jamie. I have, I don't have children, so when I tell people. And women, because mostly it's I'm here to help. That's my, my. I know it's a calling, is giving them permission to prioritize themselves first. And they're, well, you don't have a child, you don't have children. And I was, okay. You are correct, but I don't. You think you want your kid to have someone who has stamina, energy, endurance to have generous love and excitement around them, not tired, exhausted, resentful of because that's going to happen if you are not nourished. Whatever nourishment is, maybe it's a sleep, maybe it's a movement practice. If you are not that, at some point it's going to be you'll be resentful, you'll be jealous.


Jamie Lerner 15:36  

But I'm sure the people think you don't, you just don't understand. 


Lesley Logan 15:39  

I don't get I don't get it. You're correct, Amy. I don't get it. 


Jamie Lerner 15:42  

I mean, you do get it, but that is their excuse why they're not gonna do it. 


Lesley Logan 15:49  

Uh huh. Yeah. No. They and and I and I will. I can say. I. You're correct. I don't get your life, but I don't even know that I get a life of another person who doesn't have children either. But I can say, we all all have needs, every single one of us, and whether you have kids or not, you do have to put yourself in that position to take care of yourself. And I do think people have taken. I actually think maybe you know this, Jamie, more than most. I think people are have such a habit of not listening and knowing themselves and taking care of themselves that they wouldn't even know what to do if we gave them the day off to do it?


Jamie Lerner 16:23  

Well, first of all, we don't need the day off.


Lesley Logan 16:25  

Okay great. 


Jamie Lerner 16:27  

It can be 10 minutes every day to get tuned back into yourself. We all can get back there, and it doesn't have to take a lot. It doesn't even have to take a conscious wanting to.


Lesley Logan 16:39  

Great, even better, Jamie, because. 


Jamie Lerner 16:41  

Yeah, just little moments here and there. Because to say it can happen feels overwhelming for people who don't even know where to start.


Lesley Logan 16:52  

Right. So if they're going to start with 10 minutes, what do you suggest they start with? Because I do recall. I remember during the pandemic, I feel like I'm operating in a place of stress, and I actually don't need to be doing that right now. I have all the money, I have a plan, I have all the things. I know what I want to do. So, what would I be doing if I wasn't stressed out? You know, and I had to actually go, "I don't even know," and I had to think about writing out all the things I could be doing. And I do I even want to do these things? So that's how I figured out. But I don't know what what would you say some for someone who's so far away from their knowing, and what would make them feel good. What do they do in those 10 minutes? 


Jamie Lerner 17:29  

Well, to sit with yourself is a really nice thing to do, and quiet your mind, and understand that the things that you think about yourself, you would never think about and say to another person. We're very unkind and cruel to ourselves to the point where here we go again is laughter because it's so ridiculous and not true. So it's that little bit of awareness, and then the question is enough. You don't have to have the answer, but just the ongoing series of questions that are lovingly curious to yourself about yourself without the pressure of an answer. It feels good. There's no. It doesn't have to even make sense, but it's kind of moment by moment, and then all of a sudden you realize you do know, you absolutely know, yeah, and then not share it with another because that's where it just goes.


Lesley Logan 18:23  

Oh, yeah! I guess that's true. I think that's so interesting, right? I love the idea of just you're saying just sit down, just be still, just quiet your mind. Do I need a journal? All these. Lesley, can you just sit with yourself because


Jamie Lerner 18:35  

Sit with some coffee, you know?


Lesley Logan 18:37  

Right, because it's going back to that almost like a boredom. We're so used to entertaining ourselves at a red light. People are scrolling because they can't even sit with themselves at a red light. You know, they have to be doing something. And so the idea of just sitting with yourself and asking the question and opening the loop in the brain because you're right, it's in there.


Jamie Lerner 18:59  

It's absolutely in there.


Lesley Logan 19:01  

So, how the people who I and I want to highlight: don't go tell people. And I think people find that harsh and weird, but like they're keeping a secret. But the reality is, is like a lot of us have people in our lives who are afraid any knowing of ourselves might change how their relationship with us. That's not what they consciously think. I think, but I know that's what it's kind of happening. So then they put doubts and fears in our minds, or they question it because they don't get it. 


Jamie Lerner 19:27  

But it's not for them to get, and that's the whole point. This is all for you about you, and it has nothing to do with another person, no matter if it's a husband or a child. Or this is only for you. Your chance to reconnect with your inner knowing, inner being, which is your birthright, and it's all there. But it's really not for another, and it's never about another. If you are feeling upset about something, it's not about another. And you know, have questions about that? What are you feeling upset about? It's not your friend. It's it's never about another, and that's really hard for people to understand. 


Lesley Logan 20:11  

It is hard, Jamie, because then they can't blame how their bad day was on someone else. Well, they could, they could, but what what I'm saying is absolutely not true, and it's not even possible. People don't have that much power that we give them to excuse ourselves from connecting, which is what we do. We give people power that they don't even have. Oh my gosh! Do we learn that from our parents? Do we learn that from modeling? Do we learn that from you know what I mean? Because I watch. I have a niece and some nephews, and they watch them and how they see the world. And you're just look at that, and you're just, I hope that never changes. You're like, well, somehow along the way, it's gonna. And so, and then you see people who are adults who are just going for it. Wow, you no one stopped that light, or maybe, or and they overcame it. But do do you think it's learned from if a if a parent (inaudible).


Jamie Lerner 21:01  

I think it doesn't matter, and I think the most important thing is to let everyone off the hook. It really doesn't matter where it came from, and it's all around us all the time. But you start to feel really good when you are able to have these inner conversations with yourself about yourself, and really feel like you know who you are because you do. Once again, you are your own greatest resource. Nobody else knows for you, even though you, not meaning you, but the people that feel like they don't know for themselves are the very people telling everybody else what to do.


Lesley Logan 21:38  

They are.


Jamie Lerner 21:39  

Okay, but do you know what to do yourself? No, you just are going to tell everyone else what to do. Well, you don't know those other people. Yeah, I mean, it's you got to laugh, and it's laughable in a good way. You're not mocking yourself or judging yourself. You're just becoming very curious, and as we become curious about ourselves, it lightens the whole topic.


Lesley Logan 22:04  

I okay. I love that you said it doesn't even matter where it comes from because that goes back. It doesn't matter what's in the back. We don't need that. We actually just have to move forward and give ourselves permission to have this loving curiosity. And I do love the laughter thing. This is a slightly different topic, but I think we can go here. I have this wonderful group of women come on a retreat to my house in Cambodia, and within I don't know two hours of us hanging out, I'd heard "I'm sorry" so many times. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was, okay. We have to stop saying "I'm sorry." I can't do seven weekdays of "I'm sorry." You, there's nothing to be sorry about. You are allowed to be here. You're allowed. So we are just gonna so I we started screaming at each other anytime someone said "I'm sorry," we started screaming, "Not helpful!" So it's like, it's like laughing. You have to laugh at it because it was, you have to break the thing. You didn't mean to trip on her. You could say excuse me, but I'm, you're not, you don't have to be sorry. You know, it's like this weird habit that we have, just because in the apologizing for taking up space, you know, which makes it harder for you to have loving curiosity because you don't feel like you even should be here.


Jamie Lerner 23:09  

Yes, and I think that's so helpful that when you are all together, you say something that interrupts that belief or that pattern, or you know, and I think mostly it's just you don't even know you're saying I'm sorry. Yeah.


Lesley Logan 23:26  

So it's like a great, great interruption. Yeah, I think I like it better than the laugh. I like the laughter for the other things. I can laugh to myself because I do. I do think that that's a great pattern interrupt, and I just want to laugh at other people. So I I'm glad you like that. So, you know, it's interesting, right? I'm thinking about some of the different people who have listened this podcast for a long time. People are in my life who are kind of stuck launching. It's interesting, right? Because we never want to tell people they should stop learning, but also there's they're always signing up for another thing, and that's the thing that's going to do it. And so, I guess, how do you know that what you keep doing is actually taking you and launching you versus keeping you in in where you are? You know, I don't know if that question makes sense at all. 


Jamie Lerner 24:08  

Yes, and and I think that that alignment is so important. So thoughts and feelings is one, and when we're in alignment with something, then it feels effortless, and it's something that we are really feel inspired by, and it's the feeling of being inspired because you are being inner-led back to yourself about something that you feel really passionate about or really good about, and you haven't discussed with another, and then it feels effortless. It's not something that you have to force. It's not something that you have to seek. You just know, and then you take inspired action.


Lesley Logan 24:53  

Oh, it's so interesting, Jamie, that you say all those things. So that's true. It's like those things where you, wow, that just kind of fell into place. We have those things that just fall into place versus those things. Why can't I get this thing going? Or why don't I want? Why am I not signing up for that thing? It's probably you don't want to do the thing.


Jamie Lerner 25:10  

That's just called resistance. So you know, and at that point, you realize that it's good to just excuse yourself from it and step back until you can get into alignment with what it is that you think that you want to take action about.


Lesley Logan 25:25  

What do you do if getting to alignment feels like the biggest life change that you're not necessarily ready to make? I'll say I'm thinking of a couple listeners, but I'll just use my own self as an example. I remember in 2011, 2012, having the thought, like, I need to get out of the relationship I was in. Well, to do that meant I need a new apartment. I'm gonna pay more rent. I have all these different things, and so I knew the alignment shift I needed to make. But it felt scary and overwhelming, and almost like I didn't have the right tools. And so I had the excuse of going, "Well, I don't have the money, and it's not that bad, and I'll just figure it out. Do you know what I mean?" There's a lot of people who can feel that they're out of alignment, but getting to alignment just feels you're blowing your life up.


Jamie Lerner 26:06  

So, what actually happened that allowed you to shift?


Lesley Logan 26:10  

I think what actually happened allowed me to shift is a bit more time recognizing the resources that I had. I had to see that. That was the opportunity. I got into a place. I was, "Oh, I actually can't afford to do this."


Jamie Lerner 26:23  

Then when that came to be for you, was it easy to shift out of the relationship?


Lesley Logan 26:29  

Yeah, I mean, and also I'll say is things blew up all around me. People listen my podcast. It was that time I ended up in a car accident, so my car was totaled, and then the studio I rented from everything. They were like, "We're no longer going to be here." So I have to find a new place to work and a new place to live and a new car. And I actually did it with laughter, and it actually all just fell into place just fine. 


Jamie Lerner 26:53  

Because there was no more resistance. 


Lesley Logan 26:54  

Yeah, thank God. I mean, I don't know if I would have done that if it had happened while I was still with the person, but it happened after I made this decision, and I was, "Well, I guess this is how it's gonna go." So yeah.


Jamie Lerner 27:04  

So I love procrastination. I think procrastination is our friend because it gives us time to get into alignment with the task at hand. And so if someone asks me to do something and it just doesn't feel right to me, I usually say to them, "Let me think about that and get back to you." And then until I'm really ready, going back and forth could be moment by moment, day by day, to either excuse myself from the request or to really feel like, okay, I can do this. I don't commit to anything, and I think that that is really important because when we do make decisions based on what people's expectations are of us, it's not a good outcome. But when we're in a place where it just feels right, always a good outcome. So take your time. All you have is time.


Lesley Logan 27:59  

Wow. Well, Jamie, you make it seem like it's so easy, and the rest of us over here making it too hard. Why do we do that?


Jamie Lerner 28:06  

Because a lot of this stuff is common sense, and it is too easy. And women, especially, make it overly complicated because we have need to make everything overly complicated. Yeah.


Lesley Logan 28:18  

Well, why do we need to? We probably don't need to. We think we do.


Jamie Lerner 28:22  

We don't need to. But we, I would say, we unconsciously choose to.


Lesley Logan 28:30  

It probably goes back to, I don't know. Maybe it goes back to the feeling of worthiness and deserving, right? Because sometimes that alignment means taking up more space than you have before, or making bold moves, and so then you have to overly complicate it to have this reason of why you're going to do it. I had to people when I left my partner like why, and I was, "Oh, I didn't realize people were going to ask why. I guess I should have seen that coming," and I didn't have. I—it just wasn't. We just weren't right for each other, and that was not a good enough excuse for anyone. "Did he cheat?" No. "Did you fight?" Not a lot. I just didn't have it. So I think sometimes we think it needs to be complicated, and then we so therefore we make it complicated.


Jamie Lerner 29:12  

This is absolutely true. But when you're just connected to yourself, you just know, and so you don't need to consult other people. And if someone asks a question and you feel so good about saying it just didn't feel right because it didn't feel right, there are no more questions after that. So when you know for yourself, you just know, and you don't attract the answers that you would get otherwise, or the questions, no one says anything because you're so clear about what you're doing, and you're not asking them for their opinion or commentary. So if you get that, you could just say, "Well, thank you so much, and now I'm going to excuse myself."


Lesley Logan 29:56  

Jamie, you paint this. You make it, not that life is easy, but you make it sound like if we could just be in our knowing and alignment, we could have a much easier.


Jamie Lerner 30:11  

Yes, life would be so fun, and then we could create anything for ourselves and we could be in relationships with people that were unconditional, and I mean, I have friends. I know they're late all the time, and I choose to go to lunch with them, knowing that they're going to be late, and I'm on time or early all the time. But you know, at a certain point, if it bothers me, then I don't go to lunch with them anymore. But am I going to be upset with who they are? I don't think so. They're consistently who they are, and I am who I am, and that's a nice place to meet people where they are, allowing them to be who they are feels good.


Lesley Logan 30:49  

It does feel good, and it's, so, I actually have found because I used to have clients who are late all the time, and they'd always apologize, and I just go, "Here's a deal: you pay for this time to this time. There's someone before you. There's someone after you. So I'm just going to do my thing. Don't apologize to me anymore because I don't want to hear it. And if you only want the 45 minutes, then that's all you want, and so you don't even have to apologize to yourself. But if you want more, you can ask yourself why you're so late all the time. But that's on you to figure it out." And you know what? Some people were just stayed late because that's all they wanted.


Jamie Lerner 31:18  

That's who they are. Yeah, not even like that. Just people who are late are late everywhere they go.


Lesley Logan 31:24  

Yeah.


Jamie Lerner 31:25  

For everything. It's not just for you or your class, and that's okay.


Lesley Logan 31:29  

Yeah. Well, and that's just to your point. It was that's what you want, and so I don't feel anything towards you, and so you don't have to worry about—you don't have to apologize because I don't feel like I'm gonna have 15 minutes every single time I have you on my calendar to catch up. 


Jamie Lerner 31:43  

So in my other life, my husband would make coffee in an espresso maker, and he—I put the cup there, I start the machine, I turn around, and there before it's even finished or a full cup, he'd pull the cup out, and I'd be like, "Why are you cheating yourself?" And he, "What are you talking about? Why are you cheating yourself out of a full cup of coffee? Why?" And he was, "I don't know." But you know, to frame it that way is true. But he didn't really see it like that. He just saw he didn't feel like waiting. He was impatient, but actually cheating himself out of full cup of coffee. 


Lesley Logan 32:23  

Yeah, well, and that's, and to your point, even if that's not how they see it, or if that's how they're always late, it doesn't have to be my responsibility to fix that. We just get to focus on ourselves.


Jamie Lerner 32:37  

I think that is always the best thing. Yes.


Lesley Logan 32:40  

Jamie, can we do that without being narcissists, though? 


Jamie Lerner 32:43  

That is not, narcissists are completely disconnected from themselves. Okay, there's no connection at all. And narcissism is something that affects so many other people. You taking care of yourself and being clear with what you want and who you are, it doesn't affect anyone because the clarity in itself is such a relief for people. Yeah, it really is. You show up differently. You show up in such a way where you're so comfortable in your own skin that it allows people to just take a breath and relax. There's no judgment. There's no expectation. It just, it feels good to be around people who are not in their ego and are just comfortable with themselves.


Lesley Logan 33:29  

Yeah, I agree. I know those people, and I love being around them. And there's the people who are not like that. And you're like, "I have to close off my energy box because I.


Jamie Lerner 33:36  

But you don't because you're not affected by them. You understand that that's just who they are, and that is absolutely okay. And to think that everybody wants what you have is a big mistake. Most people don't want it. They don't want anything to do with being connected and happy, and they just don't. And that's okay. And we have to allow those people to just be who they are. I mean, it's okay. 


Lesley Logan 34:02  

Oh, Jamie. Well, that's a whole other topic, but yes, we do, and also because focusing on them would take us out of...


Jamie Lerner 34:10  

alignment and out of connection. 


Lesley Logan 34:12  

Yes. Yeah. Okay. So, for the people who are worried that people are going to think they're selfish for taking the time, because you know they have the people in their lives who are going to tell them, "Oh, if you've changed, you feel more selfish now because you're not selfish. You just are more aligned, which means you've probably changed how you engage with them or the time you give them. They'll be babies. They'll be baby connected, baby knowing people. So how do they handle that? Because you mentioned, like, you'll be so sure, and it's just going to be like that. But I just, oh, but there's that. You're like a new baby bird with your knowing and your alignment. How do we help them if someone tries to take it away with that selfish?


Jamie Lerner 34:50  

Well, it's just the opposite because when we nourish and nurture ourselves, we are more available to all others, whether it's vibration, physically, emotionally, because we have nourished ourselves, we have connected with ourselves, and then our ability to give is unconditional. We are more present with other people, and to be more present with other people, some of those people get uncomfortable. They are not used to being with someone who's so present, but it's a lovely feeling. It's almost like you can be with someone and not say a word, but you can feel them, and it feels good. And that is true connection with self and others.


Lesley Logan 35:36  

Oh gosh, Jamie, I feel like this took like a master class.


Jamie Lerner 35:42  

All these things are so simple.


Lesley Logan 35:44  

Yeah.


Jamie Lerner 35:45  

I mean, these are so many basic things.


Lesley Logan 35:50  

I mean, that's the thing, right? Because in the world we live in today with social media, they're going to give you the 17-point journal with the addendum, and then the three-hour workshop with the 152 calls, and so people are told it's supposed to be hard, but it's, you’re making it...


Jamie Lerner 36:07  

be fun and easy and quick, very quick. I mean, for me, my most successful clients are the ones that I don't need to be there to assist them anymore. They got it, and you know what? They do got it.


Lesley Logan 36:25  

Yeah, yeah. And we can all get it. We can just just. 


Jamie Lerner 36:29  

We want it.


Lesley Logan 36:29  

Yeah. Okay. Well, hat's the key. Well, that's just it, right? You have to. I think it's. I've read something about any change you want to make. You have to want it and believe it, and then commit to it, and so it's you got to actually do the thing.


Jamie Lerner 36:45  

But we don't have to commit to it.


Lesley Logan 36:47  

Okay.


Jamie Lerner 36:47  

We could just do moment by moment. Commitment is too much. It's too intimidating. It feels impossible. Yeah, just to have some kind of recognition of where you're at with yourself, moment by moment, and then it's the next moment. Maybe today wasn't a good day to connect with yourself, but maybe tomorrow will be better to be more forgiving of ourselves, to be more allowing of ourselves, to give ourselves more grace, let ourselves off the hook, but not let ourselves off the hook because we're blaming someone else. Those are two separate things.


Lesley Logan 37:25  

Right. I, okay, well, you've just blown the recovering perfectionist mindset. You can actually just want it and then have it and have it in the moment. And there could be a bad day, and you can just take yourself responsibility, and then you can just try again tomorrow or in another moment.


Jamie Lerner 37:43  

Right. Right? And there's no punishment for it. There's no perfection. It's just a moment, and then the next moment. And sometimes I'll allow myself to go down the rabbit hole. I'll say to myself, "Is this thought serving me? No. Am I going there? Yes, I am, because for whatever reason I need to do this. Okay." And then I can see clearly. I'm okay now. I can pull myself out of the rabbit hole, and on some level that was very satisfying. But do I need to do it tomorrow? No.


Lesley Logan 38:15  

Jamie. Thank you for that. Because I'm, wow, I don't have to be a monk either. I can just, I can entertain the rabbit hole, but I love what you did. Acknowledge that's what you're doing, ask yourself if you need it, and then go past, get past it. No judgment on it.


Jamie Lerner 38:33  

(inaudible) is to blame someone else for sending you down the rabbit hole.


Lesley Logan 38:37  

God, yeah. Well, yes. So I'm taking away from this just the sitting still, that's for sure, and then also it's not about, I'm not going to blame the email that came at the wrong time or the person who didn't do the thing I told them. None of that. It's all my own responsibility and the kindness to myself. Because of that, I will continue to show up differently, and people will be affected by that in a positive way around that. And then if something, if they, if I went down a rabbit hole, I cannot blame that it was this person. I have to go, "I took myself down the rabbit hole."


Jamie Lerner 39:09  

Yes, and that feels good. It's too good to be responsible for yourself, to have personal responsibility. I love to be wrong. I love when I'm wrong. I do, because I get to learn something about myself. So when I am wrong, I am the first person to raise my hand and say, "You know what? I was wrong." And I am really in this moment learning something about myself, and that's fantastic.


Lesley Logan 39:33  

So cool, Jamie! You're so cool. I could talk to you forever. I feel like we need to listen to your words just a few more times. You know, so we're gonna take a brief break and find out what people can find you, follow you, work with you. Because, you know, I think a few of us might need more than one time hearing this. All right, Jamie, where can they do you? Do you do coaching? Do you have sessions? Do you have a book? Like, where can they get your information support? 


Jamie Lerner 40:00  

I have a website. It's www.jamie-lerner.com and everything is on there. And it's all so clear that there's not one single question anyone needs to ask me about how you pay, what happens if you, I mean, it's all there. And I have a great service called The Quickie, a lovely texting option, which is my favorite service of all, and I came out with it before COVID, and it worked perfectly because people had to move in with each other. Some people had to move home. There was no privacy, but you just buy a package of time and you text with me, and I text back with you, and lo and behold, you realize you knew the answer the whole time, but it's a great service. It's a book. It's old, but it's not old. It's really timeless, and it's available on Amazon. And it's called "The Ever Loving Essence of You" and it's just a very nice resource for yourself about yourself.


Lesley Logan 41:04  

I love this. I love that. I love the, what a genius idea of the texting because it's such a quick hit and a quick reminder, and you can do it in a moment, and you don't have to set up a call because by the time the call comes around, I forgot why I wanted the call.


Jamie Lerner 41:19  

And the other thing is too, people talk about how they feel in the moment, but the next moment they don't even remember. After texting, they can go back and read how they felt and what they thought, and then they realize, like, yeah, I really knew this all along.


Lesley Logan 41:35  

What a service. 


Jamie Lerner 41:36  

It is good, very self-empowering for people.


Lesley Logan 41:39  

I love that you are a gem. You have given us, by the way, we could just tell people go back and listen. But I do love my bold, executable, intrinsic, or targeted steps people can take to be it till they see it. What tips do you have for us?


Jamie Lerner 41:53  

Know yourself, love yourself, trust yourself, and laugh along with yourself.


Lesley Logan 42:01  

Great. Yeah, great. This is a repeater. I think this is just a really nice go back and be reminded because I feel for the first time you've made knowing yourself a little less complicated, and we don't have to set aside 17 minutes to go through a journal that's got side five questions. You could just take a dose of time and sit still with yourself. And we have moments where we can do that throughout any day, even a busy one. Jamie, thank you so much. You guys, you better send this to a friend who needs to hear it. Because if you know yourself and they know yourself, imagine all of the gifts that is going to be in the time you spend with the people around you. So please share this. Tell Jamie Lerner what your favorite part was. Tag the Be It Pod. Let us know. And until next time, well, get to know yourself and then Be It Till You See It. 


Lesley Logan 42:49  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.


Brad Crowell 43:32  

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your hosts, Lesley Logan and me, Brad Crowell.


Lesley Logan 43:37  

It is transcribed, produced, and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.


Brad Crowell 43:41  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi. 


Lesley Logan 43:48  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals. 


Brad Crowell 43:51  

Also to Angelina Herrico for adding all of our content to our website, and finally to Meredith Rood for keeping us all on point and on time.



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