493. Breaking Free From Addiction and Trauma to Transform Your Life

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46:09

Are you truly aware of the addictions shaping your daily life? Dr. Stephan Neff joins Lesley Logan to explore the hidden addictions we all face, from social media scrolling to workaholism, and how they impact our emotions, identity, and self-worth. In this raw and insightful conversation, Stephan shares his personal journey of addiction recovery, trauma healing, and radical self-compassion. Learn practical steps to regulate emotions, embrace grief, and redefine your identity beyond societal labels.


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In this episode you will learn about:

  • The hidden addictions we all face and their impact on emotional well-being.
  • The challenges of identity loss after major life changes and the journey to rediscovering self-worth.
  • The importance of grief, how it manifests beyond loss, and why allowing yourself to feel is essential for healing.
  • Practical self-compassion techniques to reframe negative thoughts.
  • How taking intentional action and creating a clear vision can transform challenges into opportunities for growth. 


Episode References/Links:


Guest Bio:

Stephan Neff is an anaesthetist, bestselling author, speaker and show host. After studying medicine in Heidelberg, Germany he travelled and worked in Europe and Australia before settling down with his family in beautiful New Zealand. As a pain physician, he developed a specific insight into human psychology. As a man trying to drown his sorrows, he found out the hard way that the critters can swim. But over the last ten years, he made every day a little bit better than yesterday. When he became intrigued about epigenetics, he started training in functional medicine. Once he experienced the power of breathwork he became a breath coach. Not willing to accept getting stiffer with age he became a flexibility coach. His desire to impact humans led him to become a life coach and hypnotherapist. He strongly believes that the past does not equal the future. By taking action in a consistent way, we can experience transformations beyond our wildest dreams. 

He shares this passion through his podcast and YouTube channel, and through social media (Stephan Neff / Neff Inspiration) There is so much more to Stephan than sobriety. Nevertheless, in his book “Steps to Sobriety” he shares the lessons he has learned as a doctor and as a man. Every addict can turn his life around, one little decision at a time. His books and his show explain how to do it.

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Episode Transcript:

Stephan Neff 0:00  

One in three people have got chemical addictions. One in three. How many people are scrolling for hours on their social media? These are all dopamine quick hits, your likes, your, whatever you post out there. Oh, look at me, I'm looking so good. That's all a heap of B.S. because ultimately, it's nothing else than a form of addiction.


Lesley Logan 0:24  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.


Lesley Logan 1:07  

All right, loves, I'm so excited for today's episode. We had so much to talk about, so I'm gonna make this intro super quick and grab a pen, paper, because there are so many little nuggets of like, oh, I need to do that. Oh, I need to do that. And I think you'll really like it. So Stephan Neff is our guest toda. We are going to talk about all the ups and downs, trials, tribulations of losing a job, losing a marriage, changing your life, and then also, I just love when I ask people what they're excited about right now, because they can learn so much more, and truly, so many, be it action items in here for you. There's something for everyone. So, here you go. 


Lesley Logan 1:39  

All right, Be It babe. I'm really excited that I get to have another conversation with our guest today. I've been on his amazing podcast, and now he's going to be here on mine. Stephan Neff, can you tell everyone who you are and what you rock at? 


Stephan Neff 1:49  

Oh, thank you very much, Lesley, for giving me the privilege and the honor to be a guest on your show. I'm Stephan, I'm anesthetist. I'm a functional medicine specialist. I'm also a life coach. I'm a yoga instructor. I've got all kind of hats, like hypnotherapy and I've studied that. So I am addicted to becoming the best version of myself, and I've had many opportunities in my life to make choices that were not so great with hindsight, so I had more trauma than I would wish on my worst enemy, and in turn, I have investigated the effects of alcohol, of renzodiazepines, of sex, of a lot of coping mechanisms, food, for that matter. So workaholics, see, the moment I start talking, the more holics are coming to my mind. Because it's not just one escape mechanism. It's not just one thing that you try, you so dabble in many things. I was lucky because being in Germany, England, New Zealand, I was not exposed to various epidemics the United States have seen, and I was never really tempted by harder drugs that whatever, whoever is guiding here this game, they guided me away from those things. And for that, I need to be really, really grateful. However, I became a master escape artist with all the other things. And unfortunately, yes, they work for a little while, because they take away your pain, but ultimately they catch up with you and these demons, they are riding you deep inside. And again, I have been in situations which allowed me to grow so in other words, about 1011, years ago, I ended up in rehab that stopped my alcohol, and that was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Now, at the time, I was certainly not agreeing with that statement, but nowadays, I strongly believe every 18-year-old needed to be in rehab for a month. I think I would make that mandatory on actually, even before you go into college, even before, a 15-year-old, that's probably a better time to actually just learn about your emotions, learn about your feelings, learn about.


Lesley Logan 4:24  

What if there's a summer camp for emotions like, what if that's what everyone had to do at 15? I'm in. I think so, too, because it's true. I think most of the different addictions that we have are because we are unsure how to regulate or understand the emotions we're feeling, or we were not allowed to feel them, and so we don't know how to feel them, and so we figure out a different way to not feel. Workaholics get away with that addiction because, you know, except that they're annoying to their family, and their family's never to see them. It doesn't seem to be harmful. In air quotes. So unfortunately, the people who have. The addictions to alcohol and drugs, we look down on that like, oh, my God, how could they have let themselves get involved in those things? 


Stephan Neff 5:06  

Which is ludicrous, Lesley, if you think about it, one in three people have got chemical addictions. One in three. How many people are scrolling for hours on their social media? These are all dopamine quick hits, your likes, your whatever you post out there. Oh, look at me. I'm looking so good. That's all a heap of B.S. because ultimately, it's nothing else than a form of addiction. 


Lesley Logan 5:33  

Well, and it's also so hard because everything out there, there are lots of people who are helping your addiction along. So, you know, I mean, in the States, recently, we've heard about who was arrested in the Matthew Perry loss. And yes, he is addicted, and yes, he's the person who's like, doing the drugs and having been to multiple rehabs, and all these things, but the people around him that facilitated that addiction to continue, you know, and I'm not saying that if you'd switch people like that wouldn't happen with other people, but with your social media scrolling, they make sure you stay on. There's all these different things. And so I love the idea of a 15-year-old or an 18-year-old. My goodness, every so many years it's like we have to go do a CPR test every two years. Maybe you also have to just do a little check in on how are you regulating your emotions? Are you doing that? Because there's going to be times in your life where it's not going to go well, and you could be the best regulator in the world that need help. 


Stephan Neff 6:30  

And but that is a privilege, and that is a something. I mean, gratitude is nowadays playing so much a role in my life due to the many traumas and the lessons I had to learn the hard way, and I'm very grateful for them nowadays, and you're so right, things don't end up in all peachy sort of Hollywood ending. It does not. I'm 58. Now, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm stronger than I have ever been in the last 30 years, probably emotionally, spiritually than ever in my life. Now, in reality, I have lost my job as an anesthetist. I'm going through a not nice divorce. My children have moved on in their own lives, and they are now overseas, far away, so I'm not getting the good old center support that maybe I deserve, want, need, and so there is a hard time here. But if there's one thing that I have had to learn, that I had the privilege to learn, is that there is a sense behind that suffering, and Viktor Frankl and many other far more clever people than me, before me have expressed that, and it is so hard, it sounds like a cliche. It sounds like something weird, but ultimately, it is a skill, just as much as you have a skill of maybe playing an instrument or going to the gym, being able to lift a certain amount of weight in a certain style, these are all skills that you have acquired. Now, I have acquired many of these skills, but also I have had to acquire some very powerful skills that allow me to regulate my emotions in a beautiful way. Indeed, going through the divorce and losing my job, losing my identity. I mean, I, who are you? I'm Dr. Neff von Stephan. I'm an anesthetist in blah, blah, there and there, well, take all that away. Who are you left with? And many men don't know that answer. They never ask themselves these answers until maybe trauma, physical trauma, stops them being the master carpenter or the mechanic or whatever they identify themselves. I've had so many soldiers on my show who were top alpha predators, and then were on the receiving end of a machine gun. And then, surprise, surprise, their body was no longer alpha. Theirs was not even omega. It was a heap of minced meat. And then, who are they? 


Lesley Logan 9:16  

Who are you? Yeah. 


Stephan Neff 9:17  

And so many men and women suffer from that, and I had the privilege of repeated traumas that forced me to ask those questions and come up with answers, solutions and the right steps forward.


Lesley Logan 9:32  

Yeah, many years ago, someone said you can't take someone's rock bottom away, right? And because you're trying to help people, and sometimes we're trying to help people. Of course, we should all be helpful, but sometimes people go into their own detriment trying to help someone, trying to make someone better, or see the light or take something away, and it's like some of those rock bottoms are exactly the thing they need to go through so they can learn who they are, so they can handle the next thing. Because I'm sorry to hear about all of those things. It sounds like there is like one and then a space between, and then another. And it sounds like because of one, you might be able to actually handle the next one. Like the divorce is awful, but because you learned how to regulate and feel your emotions and talk about who you are and go through those things, was that helpful when the divorce happened? Or am I, were they all at one time?


Stephan Neff 10:22  

No, sometimes you wonder if the gods out there in the pantheon are just sitting there and thinking, Stephan, he's doing far too well. What shall we throw at him? And then everyone pikes up. Ah, monkey pox. No, no, no. Divorce. Around with the children. They say, you know what we do, all of them at the same time. Yeah, see how it copes.


Lesley Logan 10:43  

Oh, my God. Are you watching, I don't know if you have it in New Zealand, there is a show on Netflix called Chaos. It's about the gods. If you can get it, it is worthwhile, because that is exactly what they're doing.


Stephan Neff 11:01  

I'm sure some writer had a dream about me, and thought, oh, I we're gonna make that show. I want some royalties here. 


Lesley Logan 11:09  

Yeah, yeah.


Stephan Neff 11:10  

But there's this, shit will happen, and I ended up in quite a dark space over the end of last year and start of this year, and when I did some courses which forced me to live with my emotions, some radical compassion courses, things like that, where I had to learn how to really live with my emotions, not just run away from them, but actually be there, feel them, pour oil onto the fire and be there, feel it, and then afterwards, learn how to calm down and learn how to nurture myself. It was so beautiful. It was one of the hardest courses I've ever done, but that was what allowed me to be here and speak to you today. Many a times, when I thought, well, is my life really worthwhile? I'm fat, ugly, I'm a failure. You know, all these kind of I ams that are coming up, these voices? Now, fact is, we all have got about 80,000 thereabouts thoughts every day. Of these 80,000 about 80% are negative, and mine had a volume cranked up to max. Now we all have them, and that is a problem, because this is all a heap of B.S. that your body is telling you, either focusing far too much onto the history which is gone. You should learn from your mistakes. You should learn from history to prevent making the same mistakes again. You could talk now into politics big time in your country, but we won't go there. 


Stephan Neff 11:11  

Stephan, trust me, every day, I'm like these people need to fucking read a history book. What is happening here? But here's the deal. Then we have talked about education in this country, and that's another mountain to climb, so.


Stephan Neff 12:59  

Exactly. I think the same applies for us as human beings. Never forget where you came from. Never forget the lessons from the past, but do not relive the hardships or the sadness, unless you need a relief valve. I, oh my God, end of last year, I went to a counselor, just because, you know, that's really the clever thing to do, because these people sort of can see what you're saying, can listen to you, and can also listen to what you're not saying.


Lesley Logan 13:41  

Yeah, they're talented. So great.


Stephan Neff 13:46  

So I had this wonderful woman, which I knew. So I said, like, you know that's what I'm going through. And she said, wow, okay, so how is your loss and grief? I said, which loss and grief? I didn't lose anyone? And she just looked at me, you just lost your wife of 27 years. I thought, huh, okay. And so there was a loss and grief, but I never allowed myself to feel that, and it was interesting for me that a song recently triggered me, and that was absolutely amazing, because that song allowed me suddenly to cry, to really sob, snot, tears, you know, you name it, it came out, but it took me the better part of what, eight months, what is it now? September. That was only really in August. So we're talking 10 months, really, in which I was the stoic survivor, in which I did what I had to do. And that's one of the key things. You have to take action in order to live your life. And the harder it gets, the more action you have to take. So I did all the right things, but I neglected that one emotion, and when it finally came out, it was so beautiful. It was so beautiful to cry. It was so beautiful to feel whole again, because, yes, I can journal every day and write down the things that give me the highest anxiety, and take them off immediately, those things that I take for granted that becomes my win list. So I'm actually writing down pretty minuscule things, but these are all things that maybe previously I would have procrastinated about, etc. And here, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, and I write win, little wins next to it. And if I achieve something really big, which I didn't think big win. So I do all that. Yet, whilst I took the right action, there was still so many things that needed to be addressed, and there was this emotion, and it was there. It's beautiful. 


Lesley Logan 15:57  

I think I love that you're sharing, because it's so easy. I got my tools, I'm doing my things, I'm doing the work, I'm, whatever the work is for you, but I'm not surprised that grief was an emotion you weren't letting yourself feel because it's not an emotion any of us are taught how to deal with. We don't handle grief well, and there's not a model for it, right? If you don't lose someone or have grief when you're a child and it's not modeled correctly, we don't really know. We don't really see how to do that. And then if you see a parent or person who handles grief terribly, they get angry, they bottle it up, they don't process it, then you learn you can't even, you can't express it. And then most people, what do they say? Oh, you'll feel better in time. There's not a lot of great examples of feeling grief, and we also think grief only comes if we lose like a family member. We are not realizing, you lose your job, that's grief, Stephan, because you're grieving what the future that you thought about was, what did you think that was? Like, we moved to Las Vegas, and that was a beautiful, exciting goal that we had, but also it came so suddenly and when it happened during the pandemic that I remember working with my therapist about grieving my L.A. life, not because I wasn't happy in Vegas, but just the day to day that made me feel like me was gone and I had to start over. And your brain, the way grief works, expecting this thing. Oh, I went for a run to the next, Oh, there's no Starbucks here. Even though that sounds silly, that was, part of my day was saying hi to the same five people, seen running with my best friend. There's a grief there. And I think we don't allow ourselves to grieve what could have been when situations don't go well, and we think it makes us something weak, or makes us feel like we're stuck on the path. And really it's giving that space, and going back to the Greeks, like letting that float down the river, like giving it a celebration, right? I think that that is a huge step. It's something that I'm really, and I'm really, I don't know, I'm really stuck on this in this moment.


Stephan Neff 17:52  

And I guess there's a message there for you, because obviously I've triggered you. And hopefully after the show, you can reflect on that, and can actually see, ah, okay, what's waiting now to be released, what opening is coming up for me to learn something new about me, because that's really the chance that we have got every single day, and we squander so many of these chances we take our life for granted. Two years ago, my life well, from the outside, I was at a pinnacle. You know, I was I made an very, very beautiful income. I had a big house, I had a pool, I had a wife, I had two kids. From outside, hey, you know, on the inside, I was not a happy man, but it was so grumbling and so chronic that I didn't see how unsatisfied my needs were as a man in my marriage, and the same is probably to be said for my wife, her needs were not met and we were unable to express our respective love languages we wouldn't have known them if they would have bitten us in the ass. It is those kind of things, you know. It is those kind of things that ultimately make you unhappy, make you unsatisfied. You're searching for this mission, you're certain, searching for this purpose in your life that you have not yet found. And I think by going through trauma and being forced to change, you get outside of your comfort zone, you experience fear. And if you look at any successful, truly successful person who's got their shit together, then you will see that they have gone through tremendous amounts of trauma, through tremendous amounts of heartbreak, that in their business, they have failed and were sometimes completely, how do you call it in America where everything is taken away from you? You lose your house, you lose your.


Lesley Logan 20:01  

Bankruptcy, yes, yes, yes. 


Stephan Neff 20:03  

Yes, exactly. Ultimately, many men and women have gone through such scenarios, but those who are successful are those people who have learned and are willing to learn from such trauma. I call it trauma. Trauma is sometimes a word that is. 


Lesley Logan 20:21  

I think there's little T and there's big T, and I also think it's fine they've gone through some sort of like life experience that has flipped them things upside down. Look at Oprah. We forget what her life was like. We forget who she was before she was Oprah. And so you're completely right. And I guess our life is always evolving. And I think your life is a perfect example of it's not like life's a roller coaster, but it's like an ebb and flow. There's like, these highs, these lows, and what we do with the lows to get to the highs really matters. And how we, actually, it sounds like you educate yourself in a low so that you can, like you go through these highs. But now, with this new life change, like, how do you find yourself being it till you see it to the person you want to be on the other side of all this, what are the tools you're using, or what are the or how are you figuring it out as we go?


Stephan Neff 21:06  

Righty-ho, so over the next three hours where let's talk about. No, no. I give you, I show you one tool, actually, that I've used very, very frequently in the recent months. And it is actually very easy to do. It comes in various versions, but I use my right hand and put it on the dead shoulder. That hand onto that shoulder. I squeeze as hard as I can and say, Stephan, I love you. You're a good man. You're going through shit. I absolutely love you to bits. You are strong. You are a good man. Shit is happening, but you're a good man. Don't forget that. And I do that for 15, 20 seconds, and I'm renowned for my bear hugs to those people who I love, and you never show this love that you show others to yourself. You're a mean bastard to yourself. You speak to yourself in a way that you wouldn't speak to your worst enemy. And I force myself to actually love myself. Warts and all. And I think that sometimes gives me that hug, gives me that release, gives me that reassurance, where I am getting stronger and I feel the panic and the anxiety running away. We already spoke about writing things down. What I shared with you was the win list, because we always look at our failures. We never look at our wins. And I want to celebrate every win. In order to do so, I need to celebrate every chance I get. In order to do that, I need to celebrate being here. I need to be celebrating that I'm here in this moment. I'm not distracting myself, I'm not escaping. I'm living this moment and I live it with joy. I live it I'm here with you, 100% intentional, and I enjoy every second have I had in the past a fear of public speaking? Hell, yes. Are we talking about some quite, you know, not things that I'm not so happy and proud about, and now I'm sharing it with a few thousand, 10,000 million viewers. Well, okay, talk about that. Do you think me showing up is a win? Well, 80% of success is showing up. Me, actually, jumping over my fear and actually just being here, exposing myself to my fear of public, speaking of whatever it is, and suddenly realizing, actually, you know, I'm not eaten up by some magic force or some saber tooth tiger has killed me, although my body inside and all the responses of fight and flight coming onto this show, but now it is those kind of things, so the gratitude and the realization that this is a privilege that you are living. Yes, it's a shitty day here. Look outside. It's raining. Damn. Many of my friends are no longer here, but due to disease or trauma or violent deaths, well, you know, it's a privilege to be here, so be grateful and practice that. And you need to just, you actually need to do that. Practice it, because it doesn't come naturally to many of us. 


Lesley Logan 24:47  

Right, right. 


Stephan Neff 24:48  

So practice those things. And then the most important bit is finally stop for a moment and actually try to figure out who you want to be when you grow up. Create that dream in your mind, and dream means leery, flary things that are going on in your head. So if you say, okay, I am 58 now, and I haven't found true love in my life. So if I say, okay, I want to find true love. Well, that's nice. You can think of Valentine hearts, or you can say, what does that actually look like? Okay, there is, there needs to be a partner. This partner probably needs to understand my needs. Or for that, I need to be able to learn how to communicate my needs, but then I need to understand what are my needs? There's a bit of work waiting here to actually figure out what is your dream. Now, that dream, it's nebulous. Please change your dream to a vision by becoming very, very, very clear. So I want to have this dream partner. Okay, how does she need to look like? Well, maybe not the best question that you want to ask, because she might come in a very different package, but it has, it's everything that you need. So maybe a different question might be, which features should she have, which emotions, which style, what makes her burst into laughter and in turn infect you with joy? And then you have to figure out, okay, what affects you or infects you with joy. So what is your joy? So it's those kind of things. So once you've nailed it down, go to the next feature, to the next feature, until you dream that nebulism something has become a very clear vision. And now you need to take action. And that is the cool thing, but not action on that. Don't take someone and try to somehow mold that someone. No, take action on the input and say, okay, I want this loving relationship. So what would I do now? Right now? What ideas, five ideas that would make this relationship with this person a better thing. What input can I put there? What does she need? She needs to be supported. Okay. And how does that work? She needs to know that I will not run away. Well, fair call. Let's do something on that. Or she always feels alone that she is doing all the work in the house. Fine. Let me put that rubbish out, let me paint that corner, let me fix that part of the house, whatever it is. I can control the input. I can't control the output. I can't control the end result, but I can show up and do my best, and that is a beautiful skill. 


Lesley Logan 27:44  

I really love your way of being it till you see it. It's like we always work backwards here. We love that, so that's great. But I also loved how it turned into like, the things you're looking for, you have to know more about yourself so that you can spot it when you got it, because people can't read your mind, and you could say, I want a supportive partner, and then you meet someone whose idea of supporting is financial, but what you really meant was emotional. Well, it doesn't matter. I need to be supportive. I am supporting you, and it's because words matter and we need to be specific. So I think that there's just so many different ways. We just had a coaching call with our group, and this girl wants to open a studio. She's like, where do I start? And I was like, well, what kind of studio do you want? What does that look like? What's happening in the studio? How busy is it? Is our teachers there, like, I can't tell you how to open a studio if I don't know what we're opening because then it's like, you go get a building, you get a lawyer. First of all, it's not inspiring. Second of all, what order of those steps is going to change based on all the things you have to know, what it is that you're wanting to open for us to go with the first action step. So I really, really think that that is so cool. What are you most excited about right now? 


Stephan Neff 28:57  

Well, my house is going on the market, and this house, this town, has a lot of memories, many of them beautiful, many of them not so. So, by all I know, in four days time the house is sold, and then what will happen? And I've got a Toyota Estima, sort of a gray people-mover, kind of soccer mom kind of thing. I've turned that into a Batmobile. So I've ripped out the interior. I've turned that into a stealth camper, into basically an RV. 


Lesley Logan 29:30  

So cool.


Stephan Neff 29:32  

That was quite a cool thing, something, you know, I'm 58 and I'm a doctor, for crying out loud. I focused my skills on a very different skill set by my experience in different skill sets, not necessarily DIY, not necessarily building. So I had to learn auto electronics and how the car works on the inside, etc. So I did that. So that was cool. I was really enjoying finding things that give me joy. And it was a surprising journey, because. You, those things that gave me joy in the past were no longer as beautiful, and I found new ways of creativity, new ways of looking forward to projects that maybe will increase my wealth again. Any divorce is hugely detrimental to anything. So there's a good reason that I changed my house to a car to actually just recover financially, but that is all part and parcel. So here we are. There are those people who have forever dreamt of the RV lifestyle, of downsizing, of those kind of things. I'm forced to do it, but I choose not to look at it as being forced, but I choose it as an opportunity to see that beautiful New Zealand and actually build up my private practice in functional medicine and. 


Lesley Logan 30:50  

Have you been to Gisborne? 


Stephan Neff 30:52  

Yes, I have. Yes. 


Lesley Logan 30:53  

So that's the first light of day. I feel like you have to go there in your RV. If you do, we have a lovely friend there who likes to serve.


Stephan Neff 31:02  

Like Gisborne, Napier, there are so many beautiful places here. So I'm looking forward to doing that and in the process of finding myself, of finding out more about me, focusing more on one thing. This, the journey of divorce and getting rid of a house is incredibly disruptive to all your creative things. I was lucky because I was putting all my creativity in designing a very tiny home, and it was beautiful. But now it's time to bring that creativity to the next project. May it be, well, part of it probably will be somewhere, a rundown house that I will renovate and bring up just to a really lovely standard. 


Lesley Logan 31:46  

You know, when you live in it, because we, we live in our van from time to time, and we lived in a tiny apartment before our house. Our van is not finished by any stretch of the imagination. I'm glad we didn't, because we would have made changes. And so what I think is really fun for you is the next house you get, even if it's small, you will, based on what you like and don't like in your RV life, you will make changes so that your home has the things you want at the home versus what you have. So then you'll have two homes, and you'll have one you can travel like it's mobile, and then you'll have one that's a sanctuary. I think it's so cool. Yeah. 


Stephan Neff 32:09  

So, so, instead of saying I've lost my house now, I've lost my life, I have gained freedom. I have gained a new way of life that probably injects quite a bit of you back into me. I have the opportunity to explore new things. For example, I love juggling. I love spitting fires, so I studied circus arts when I was a younger man. 


Lesley Logan 32:46  

That's so funny. That's not what I thought you were gonna say.


Stephan Neff 32:49  

But I know that there's a group of jugglers around New Zealand. They meet, typically on the full moon, on the beach somewhere, and have fire and juggle and things like that. And I always thought, oh, wouldn't that be cool? Then it was always the I need to work next day, and I'm busy and there's all that. Well now I have got that freedom to actually do that. Get back into it. Well, I haven't juggled for quarter of a century. I'm sure I will find it again, and I'm sure I will find new ways of finding joy. In finding those new ways, it is likely that I come across people who really infuse me. And who knows, there might be true love waiting there, true love in whatever form and shape it comes. These are all gifts that have come out of trauma, just as much as I have become the phoenix rising out of the ashes again and again over my lifetime. I just didn't expect it that I'll do it with 58 again. But hey, you do what. A man has got to do what a man has got to do. But I take it as a challenge. I take it as an opportunity as, I take it as a positive thing, and that is the only thing, the only true thing that works when it comes to the challenges in life, that you are able to find the meaning, a purpose, a sense in your suffering, that you accept what is happening, that you practice radical self-compassion, that you take ownership when it is due, that you learn to analyze when someone maybe was gaslighting you or was bullshitting you, or the whole kind of messages subliminal that you had been fed, maybe throughout your life, that you're actually able to start analyzing them and say, well, that's actually a heap of B.S. but that is actually not true. I'm not a failure. You know, for 50 something years, I thought I'm a failure. That's my rundown. Now, it helped me to focus and work harder. But to actually say, actually, no, I'm not a failure. I'm resilient, I'm resourceful, I am a survivor, I'm a thriver. I am lovable, I am worthy to learn. I wrote on my website, I wrote an article about the Power of I Am, and it's so important that we use that power, because it's the shortcut to your subconscious. So instead of being the bearded lady in the circus, why don't you start becoming the ring master and actually decide what is happening in your show, in your circus. Okay, you can actually control your thoughts. You can be far more mindful as far as what is happening up there, and that will make you stronger, that will make you a better human. And in turn, you will attract better humans. Inadvertently, or maybe on purpose, you will seek out a different group of people, not the naysayers, those people who give you good advice, for example, about finances when they are themselves, run down and have nothing. 


Lesley Logan 36:05  

Yes, there's a lot of those around. Yeah.


Stephan Neff 36:09  

Isn't it? But you're an example, Lesley, you are out there. You have gone through your own trials and tribulation, but you haven't given up. And you keep going. And you keep showing up. You keep showing up on your show. And you're there to help others. You bring others on to infuse you. You open yourself up, in this case, by being very honest, and I was triggering you here on the show. So therefore I know you will grow, like it or lump it, by you showing up and making yourself vulnerable, you grow, and you will become a better version of Lesley than when the show started. How cool is that? I think we all can learn from that, isn't it? 


Lesley Logan 36:54  

Yeah, yeah, oh my gosh. We could keep talking forever, but we're gonna take a brief break, and then we're gonna find out where people can listen to your show and read your books and all the amazing stuff. 


Lesley Logan 37:05  

All right, Stephan, where do you like to hang out? Where can we send everyone if they have been inspired by what you've got? 


Stephan Neff 37:11  

Please head over to neffinspiration.com. Neff, N-E-F-F, it's my surname, inspiration dot com, it's my website. From there, you have got links to my YouTube show. We are close now to 500 guests, and Lesley is one of them. You had some fantastic pearls of wisdom there. It's beautiful. So I'm growing through that show. I have in my creativity, written quite a few books, some of them no longer in print because I felt it's probably not so good. I've recently lost 30 kilogram and some of my books were dangerously good German cheesecakes. So that's a bit inappropriate. I still have that out there. I 


Lesley Logan 37:59  

I mean, it's probably okay if people are addicted to cheesecake.


Stephan Neff 38:03  

I was always joking that because you bake them for such a long time that you bake all the calories out of them. I don't think that's true. I need to write a new recipe book.


Lesley Logan 38:16  

Okay, if our listeners hit you up for that cheesecake recipe, you have to give it to them.


Stephan Neff 38:21  

I can live with that. It's a baked German cheesecake. So it's great quality. It's a great taste. It's a little bit more work. I love it. The free books that can give you the most bang for the buck and the most value, I guess, is Steps to Sobriety. That is a book I've written. It's now coming out next month in its third edition. It is a memoir slash recipe book, How to look at recovery from addiction in a step wise, logical approach, and give you step by step way forward. The steps are essentially the 12 steps from AA, but I've taken the god out. I've taken many of those things out that maybe are a bit more difficult to swallow, and I've put it into a modern language, and have explained why these steps are actually a very good system. How to approach a failing business, for example, and I go into details there. So if you were to help a friend who is in trouble, like you are helping other Pilates teachers to create or maybe become better in their systems, well that's exactly you would actually do exactly the same steps as a 12-step program offers. So I'm using that approach. But then there are so many, so many other things that are typically happening, the trauma, the very predictable things, the depression, the mental health problems that will affect one in three of us. So you might as well learn something about it. When you drive a car, you learn how to change a tire, because sooner or later, you have to. But not one of us ever learns the signs and symptoms of depression or how, what is, what help is out there. So, Steps to S,obriety is really a beautiful mental health book in an overall, over encompassing kind of way. I've had another book out, Depression Lied To Me, in which I had the honor of having 14 female storytellers who were sharing their stories about how depression lied to them. And it's wonderful, because depression, as many other mental health problems, they come in all shapes and forms. They come in all disguises. Yet there are common themes, and yet there are the same kind of bullshit lies that these mental health problems tell us. Let there be addiction, let there be depression, etc. To hear 14 different women talk about their experience has been a very enriching insight for me. And last but not least, I will republish Esmee The Mindful Mouse, because I believe that if we start earlier on in life, if we start creating strong, little humans, it's much easier than repair broken adults. So therefore, why should we not start teaching mindfulness at an early stage? And I've written a beautiful, written and photographed and produced with a friend, a beautiful book about this little mouse who lives in our beautiful redwood forest here, and who is vivacious, but with her vivaciousness also sometimes makes her friends angry, and she needs to find out the difference between, am I a bad mouse, or have I done something bad that has angered someone else? Again coming back to the power of I am and, needless to say, her friends love her for who she is, but she needs to learn that lesson, and you will find links to all those books and more a neffinspiration.com so check it out, guys, but first, please press the like and subscribe button on Lesley's show, because that's so bloody important, because we all grow with algorithms on YouTube and other places, and if you've heard something cool today, hopefully it will enrich your life, but also send it to someone else, and send a link to Lesley show so that they can get better insights and we grow and start becoming this community of growing people.


Lesley Logan 42:37  

Thank you for that. Please do all of those things everyone. You've given us a bunch already. I feel like, so feel free to repeat something you've said, because I feel like you did. But there are so many gems of like, how we could be it till you see it, but bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted steps, the action someone can take, if they're like, yes, okay, what can they do next? What would you like them to do?


Stephan Neff 42:57  

Immediately now, I want you to give yourself a hug. I want you to actually give yourself a hug and spend 15 seconds with yourself just after the show is finished, immediately, 15 seconds, if it is safe to do so if you're driving, maybe not, okay? Maybe pull over, okay? But I want you to close your eyes and be with yourself and whatever is happening with you, whatever goes through your mind, whatever is happening, I want you to give yourself a big bear hug and just accept you for who you are, that beautiful human being who is probably going through some shit, because otherwise you wouldn't listen to a show like this. You would be distracted with living this most beautiful, suckering, sweet Coca Cola advertisement life, which, yeah, how about that? Okay, no, I want you to be real, and I want you to show compassion to yourself, because it all starts with that, yeah, just to tell that inner child of you, to tell that that right now, big child that is sitting there or standing there, whoever is around you, just give yourself that big hug, squeeze as hard as you can, and tell yourself, I love you. 


Lesley Logan 44:17  

That's beautiful. Thank you so much. You guys, go give yourself a hug, and then please make sure that you share this with a friend. And if you have takeaways, please tag Stephan. Tag the Be It Pod. We want to hear them. We want to celebrate what you're doing. Y'all, you heard him say wins all the time. We actually have a wins episode that comes out on Fridays where we love to celebrate your wins. You can actually send them in and we read them out loud, so that sometimes when you hear your own win, it's on a day you really need a reminder that you had a win recently, and until next time, Be It Till You See It. 


Lesley Logan 44:50  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.


Brad Crowell 45:33  

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.


Lesley Logan 45:38  

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.


Brad Crowell 45:42  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.


Lesley Logan 45:49  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.


Brad Crowell 45:53  

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.



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