505. Teaching People How to Master Their Happiness
What if happiness wasn’t something you had to chase but something you could create daily? In this transformative episode, happiness strategist Monique Rhodes shares how to train your mind to find joy regardless of external circumstances. She and Lesley Logan discuss the power of gratitude, overcoming toxic positivity, and breaking free from the mental habits that keep us stuck in stress and negativity. Monique also dives into her personal journey—from struggling with depression to mastering happiness—and how you can build emotional resilience and confidence in small, daily ways.
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In this episode you will learn about:
- How Monique went from struggling with depression to becoming a happiness expert.
- The difference between true happiness and toxic positivity.
- Why gratitude can rewire your brain and shift your emotions instantly.
- The 90-second rule to process emotions without getting stuck.
- The power of daily courage challenges to break out of your comfort zone.
- How social connection and community are essential for mental well-being.
Episode References/Links:
- Monique Rhodes Website - https://moniquerhodes.com
- Monique Rhodes Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/monique.rhodes
- Monique Rhodes Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/moniquerhodesofficial
Guest Bio:
Monique Rhodes is a happiness strategist whose programs on mental resilience, mindfulness, and well-being are featured in colleges and universities around the globe. She hosts the popular podcast In Your Right Mind, sharing insights on how to rewire mental habits for a more purposeful and fulfilling life. After overcoming significant adversity in her youth, Monique traveled extensively to master practical methods that reduce stress and deepen self-awareness. Today, she teaches thousands of individuals—from corporate teams to online communities—proven strategies for achieving lasting happiness, leading immersive retreats in Costa Rica, and infusing her global experiences and creativity into every aspect of her work.
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Episode Transcript:
Monique Rhodes 0:00
I have gone from being my own worst enemy, almost critic, to being my own biggest cheerleader. So I don't actually need anybody else to bump me up or keep me going or help me. Within myself I'm able to. Don't get me wrong, I've got amazing friends, and I love them, and there are times I need to discuss things, but day to day, I've got it all here because I'm my cheerleader.
Lesley Logan 0:26
Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.
Lesley Logan 1:08
All right, babes, get ready. Just sit back and just really, just, this is something I want you just to, like, try not to be trying to do 17 things at once. For this one, I want you to enjoy every word out of our guest's mouth. I am obsessed with her already. I'm gonna figure out how I can stalk her and make her a friend of my life. She is a happiness strategist, and if you think you know what that is, I promise you that you don't. And if you think you know what she's gonna say, I promise you that you don't. This is a great conversation. You're gonna wanna listen to it multiple times. So here is Monique Rhodes.
Lesley Logan 1:36
All right, Be It babe, this is going to be a fabulous conversation. I can tell you that, because I've spoken to this amazing guest before, and it was hard to keep it contained to 15 minutes. So I'm excited that we have a longer format for conversation today. Monique Rhodes, you know what, you had me at Happiness Strategist, so can you just tell everyone who you are and how you rock at that?
Monique Rhodes 1:54
I love that. Lesley, I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having our second date together. So basically, I specialize in teaching people how to master their happiness. And I've done this over the past, really, three decades, and it's all from personal experience. So everything that I teach is what I've done to turn my own life around. So I love it. I love helping people. One of my programs is in so many colleges and universities around the world. I work with a lot of corporations, and I teach thousands of people all over the world. So I love it, and I love being here to talk to you about exactly what you do so well, which is get people excited about their lives.
Lesley Logan 1:59
Thank you so much. I mean, here's why I'm so attracted to this, because I think today's world, it's really hard to be happy in, as soon as you open up your phone, there are text messages from somebody who's trying to make sure you know that someone's having a crappy day somewhere. There's demands from all around us all of the time. And so sometimes I do wonder, is it even possible to be actually happy? If you are happy, do you feel guilty all the time because other people aren't happy? Like I have so many questions.
Monique Rhodes 3:06
I love it. Look, it's a really interesting point. So your point is that everywhere we go, we've got all these things that are showing us, there's loads of reason to be miserable, and that's the way that the mind works. So the mind automatically latches onto the negativity. But I really believe that you can create a little bubble of influence. It's just your bubble. We hear about the circle of influence, but literally, live in your bubble of influence. You can't do anything about what is happening in the politics in the world. You can't do anything about the natural disasters that are happening around the world, but I tell you what you can do. You can walk down the street and you can see someone that you've never met and smile and say hi to them, or go to the cashier at the supermarket and say, wow, you look so beautiful today. Well, how's your day going? There are so many small ways that we can influence our lives that we don't even think about. We can sit every day and say to ourselves, what am I grateful for? I mean, I can sit here right in this moment and just say to myself, What am I grateful? I'm grateful that next to me there's a glass of water, because there are so many people in the world that don't even have access to fresh water. I'm so grateful that you and I get to meet here, and we get to have this conversation. Because of the advent of the Internet, we have the ability to meet this way. I'm so grateful that I woke up this morning and I'm not in a war zone, because so many people in the world are so when we start to think about it, when we start to look at it and see being alive is one of the most unbelievable miracles, and what we do is we get ourselves caught in this kind of they call it hedonic adaptation, where we actually miss it. We've got so much stuff that we have that brings us comfort and happiness that we don't even see it anymore. And so what our brain latches onto is the novelty. And the novelty is often the negative. Oh, that person's going through this or this is happening. Oh my God. Look at the news. Oh my God. So getting ourselves into a place where we see that the novelty is actually all around us all the time is a really powerful way to lift down happiness levels.
Lesley Logan 5:24
Oh my gosh. Okay, so many little takeaways there. First of all, anytime someone reminds me about being grateful, I am reminded that judgment and gratitude can't live in the same space, and so it's just starting to be grateful. And I love that you brought up like I'm grateful for this water, like I'm grateful if I have windows right now, in this moment, it is raining, and I love sunshine, but I'm so grateful that it's raining, because I live in the desert and we haven't had rain in 225 days. You know, finding because it's so easy to go, oh no, it's raining. I can't take the dog like you can always find those. So I find that that gratitude just starts to uplift. But I do love how you talked about the bubble of influence, because I think you're correct. Like, we start to go, oh my gosh, all this bad stuff is happening, and I can't do anything. And how is this affecting me? And how you start to do that? But my mom is one of those people who, when we go out, she finds a way to compliment strangers, every stranger walking past them at a hotel. She's oh, my gosh, I love those pants on you. And I'm like, I was in the middle of a conversation. And she just does that and so naturally. But I think because so few people do that, how they can touch someone's life in a way that they feel so seen, and we don't know who they are and how that could affect the rest of the world if we each hit our bubble, I imagine that there's a domino effect, that it gets bigger and bigger together.
Monique Rhodes 6:36
You know, when I was a kid, my best friend's mother was very, very beautiful. She was a model when she was younger, and whenever you walked in the door at her house, she would look at you, and she would say to you, darling, you look absolutely gorgeous. And I remember as a kid that didn't come from a very good background, I would just melt into that. And sometimes I would show up, literally, looking as though I just rolled out of bed, but I knew that deep inside of her, she saw me, or I believed that she saw me. It was such an incredible gift that she gave, and it's something that I really focus on is giving that gift back, because we know when someone says it, I ran into a woman the other day. I haven't seen for a year. I only met her briefly once, and she saw me and she said, You look fantastic. And I walked away and went, ah, look at that. I mean, how good does that feel? There was no payback in her for saying it. She just said it, and how beautiful it is when we're on the receiving end of it. So whatever it is that we want in our life, we have to give it. If we want more love in our life, we have to give it. If we want the joy and the beauty of life, we have to show each other what it is that's how we lift our happiness levels. Don't wait for everybody else to make the world better. You know, there's stuff going on. There will always be stuff going on in the world until the day we die. But it's not about what's happening. It's about how we're responding to it. And we can always see the light. We always can see the light. And Lesley, I'm not saying that we bypass stuff in the last few months. You know, two of my friends have died, and it's not like, oh, I go, whoa my friends have died, and I'm still really happy. I am still really well, and I grieve and I feel it, but I don't let it control me. I allow the grief or I allow the difficulties and the challenges to be there. But my resilience is really strong because I also, alongside it, allow myself, even when there are difficult things happening, to see the beauty of my life and the world at the same time.
Lesley Logan 8:55
You know, I'm so glad you brought that up, and I want to get more into happiness with you. But what I fear people take away is that toxic positivity? I'm sure you've heard of it. I lived in LA for 15 years, and living four hours away and watching the city of my memories burn, you know? And there are people who are like, ready to go, but now they'll get to rebuild back better and all this stuff. It's like, yes, is it too? What is the difference between happiness and seeing what is possible and toxic positivity?
Monique Rhodes 9:22
Well, I think there's something really interesting that it's absolutely vital that we understand, is that whatever emotions you suppress means that you're suppressing emotions across the spectrum. So if I'm someone who says, whoa, I'm just positive all the time, and I don't look at the negative stuff. You actually don't really feel good all the time. So it's really important for us to understand if we want to experience joy and happiness and wellness, we have to be comfortable with experiencing discomfort. I mean, that's it. Otherwise we're just bypassing the whole thing. So I'm a really big teacher of take all your emotions and experience them and feel them. You don't have to act out on them. If you feel angry, sit with the anger. But where is it in my body? So this is the key, Lesley, is that to not run with the story. If I'm angry, to sit and go, wow, this is really interesting. I'm going to look at my anger and to shut down that story that says because he did this, and da, da, da, da, to sit there and go, oh, this is anger in my body, and it's making my shoulders tight and it's making my stomach feel a little sick and it feels warm in my body, and I'm just going to sit and observe it that is allowing the emotion. I don't know if you've ever watched the very famous TED Talk by Jill Bolte Taylor called My Stroke of Insight. It's really phenomenal. So Jill Bolte Taylor was a neuroscientist, and she had a stroke, and she watched herself have the stroke. It's really extraordinary, really worth watching. But one of the things that she discovered was that an emotion has a 90-second shelf life. Any emotion has a 90-second shelf life. So this becomes really interesting, because what we can then understand is if I do feel anger, and I have anger come up and rise up, and there it is. If I'm able just to sit with it for 90 seconds and allow it and observe it and let the story go in 90 seconds, it's going to be over. What is the only thing that keeps it going is this. I'll give you an example. I'm driving to work, and some idiot in their Range Rover cuts me off, right? And all of a sudden I feel this rage because I've got a fright, and I'm like, oh my God, that idiot in his Range Rover. And then I'm driving along, and I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. Then I get to work, and I walk in the door and I say, you'll never believe what happened. And all of that fear and anger is boiling up again in my body because my mind doesn't know the difference between the experience it's remembering and the experience it had. So those emotions are still exactly the same. And then my partner calls me, and I say to him, oh my God, you would not believe what happened, right? Instead, I could have the experience. Allow it to happen for 90 seconds. Feel the anger, feel the fear, calm myself down. Let it go. Let it go.
Lesley Logan 12:38
Oh, what a different day you'd have. Your work day would start off in a different space. I'm loving this. I can see my husband and I just setting a timer for each other, like, oh, okay, here's 90 seconds are on the clock. I'll come back.
Monique Rhodes 12:55
You're at 93 seconds. Shut it down. It's really interesting, because when you do this, Lesley, what you start to understand is that you go through your day so often feeding negativity, and you start telling stories. Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened to this person and all of that. So if we can actually learn to shut up and just be very mindful about our conversations and say, Well, I can have those conversations if they're constructively looking at how I can solve a challenge. But so much of our conversation is around this happened, and you wouldn't believe it, and that happened, and our brain is creating imagery inside itself and reliving these experiences. We literally create so much of our stress and anxiety for ourselves. It's not even happening out there. It's happening in here.
Lesley Logan 13:53
And also the person who cut you off doesn't even remember doing it. They've moved on.
Monique Rhodes 13:59
No, it's interesting. I have a really good strategy that I use, which is this, when something happens that I have a relatively strong emotional reaction to, I ask myself the question of sixes. I can't remember where I first heard this. It might have been Brené Brown that first spoke about it, but I say to myself, will this matter in six minutes, in six hours, in six days, in six weeks, in six months? If it's six months or more, I say to myself, I need to pay attention. If it's less than six months, I literally say to myself, let it go, if there's nothing that I can practically do to work with it, if it's nothing that needs to be solved, or maybe I've done something that was wrong and I need to look at that, that's fine. Then I go away, I take responsibility, whatever it is, and I do the work on myself and otherwise it is a let it go. Do not waste your energy on it.
Lesley Logan 15:05
Mind blown. And I love this so much because so as a recovering perfectionist, I'm someone who like, some days when I make a mistake, I can let it go, and some days I almost keep playing it in my head over and over because I'm upset at myself for the mistake that I made, or not seeing that that could have happened or been taken a certain way. And so I replay it, and I replay and then I get angry about their responses, and I get angry that I'm angry, and I do the whole thing, but I can imagine if I had just run through like, is it gonna matter in six minutes? Matter in six days, six weeks, six months? I bet I probably would've get to most of it not mattering at six months, I bet you it wouldn't, and so then I would probably not have to suffer. I could probably enjoy the yoga class I was taking while I was running through all that in my head.
Monique Rhodes 15:52
But I might even have an added bonus for you, Lesley, is that your perfectionism served a purpose. You learned when you were a child that if you were perfect, you received love for it. And so that is where this behavior comes from. I keep doing this because I learned as a child that if I was perfect, I had to be perfect to be loved. I call it the Love Contract. And so one of the most powerful things you can do in those moments is not only say, does this matter? No, it doesn't. I'm enough as I am, and to love yourself in that moment, in your imperfection, and to know that your being perfect is not a direct line to being loved. Does that makes sense?
Lesley Logan 16:42
It makes so much sense. And I feel like every listener who is a perfectionist recovering, we attract a lot of them here is like, kind of mind blown, because I do think that their perfectionism is what's keeping them from being happy. I'm sure you have plenty to say on that. And I think that in their desire to not be a perfectionist, I don't think that they're approaching it, because I know I'm not with just saying I am, I'm worthy of love like I'm enough right now, I don't think that's how we're approaching it. I think people who are trying not to be perfect are judging how much they let their perfectionism get them for the day. So I feel that that is such a good takeaway to, one, appreciate what you did as a child, because it was a survival thing to feel loved. And we all need to feel loved, to grow and get to where we are, and then to not judge ourselves for that, but instead welcome and have gratitude for who we are today and that we are enough in the moment that we are. I think what a great action step people can take that changes the emotions in their body.
Monique Rhodes 17:37
Yeah, and to know that everyone does it. So every single one of us has learned one powerful strategy to get loved, and it could be I'm going to really excel at school, or I'm going to take care of people. You know, there's so many ways that this particular thing plays out, so that every single one of us, not just perfectionists, all of us, have something that we learn as a child will elicit love for us, and it's a really powerful thing. And then to look at that and go, does this still work? Actually, being a perfectionist is causing me all sorts of problems. I want to do really well in my life, but I've got to understand it's not that I need to be perfect, it's that I need to be loved, and we all need to be loved. So then we've got to go to the root of the tree and see how can I be loved without relying on being perfect to get it?
Lesley Logan 18:31
Oh, everyone, write that in your journal. That's the next thing. Okay, I feel like I got so excited about all the things you have to say. I'm just like, obsessed with how much you know on this. But how did you get here? Like, how did you get to be, you know, the expert in this area, what was the journey?
Monique Rhodes 18:46
Yeah, well, one of the beautiful and painful things about this journey of it was mine, Lesley. So I grew up, I was adopted at 10 days old, and I grew up in a very, very difficult situation in my family life. There were lots of really, really bad things that happened. And when I was 19, I ended up in a hospital having tried to take my own life. And I remember sitting there and saying to myself, this is going to go one way or the other. Either I have to give up or I have to do everything to heal myself. But I didn't really know what healing myself meant, because I saw, it appeared that everybody else was really happy, and I seemed to be the one who was broken and struggling. So I made a deal with myself that I was going to do everything that I could to try and heal this and myself. So went on a mission, and a little bit like an Olympian would, I did everything I did every therapy under the sun. I tried every technique. I traveled all over the world, really looking and seeing myself, but trying all sorts of methodologies to see what I could find. And probably the most powerful thing that I learned that encompassed a lot of what I teach is that happiness is not outside of me. Of course, there's lots of wonderful things. You know, I'm sitting here looking out at the ocean. I live here in Costa Rica in the jungle, and it's awesome. But actually, what is happening in my mind is the dictator of whether I'm happy or whether I'm suffering. And that was such a light bulb moment for me. And so then the focus came on, okay, so if it is about my mind, then what can I do to train and tame and optimize my mind so that I can live a really happy life? And the end result is that sometimes I think I'm annoyingly happy, you know, and it's like, I can't actually believe that this kind of happiness that I experience is possible, but it is, and now I have the incredible honor of teaching other people how to do exactly the same thing. Because for me, there was no path. There was no one saying, you do this, this and this. And so for me now I'm able to create that path for other people so that they can change their lives as well. And that makes me even happier, you know, because that's one of the things about happiness, is when you're in service to others, you know, taking care of other people to some degree, not at the expense of yourself, but to some degree, is one of the things that adds to your happiness. So I don't know, I just have this really amazing, amazing life.
Lesley Logan 21:24
Wow. I think so many people could look back at part of your story and then feel sorry, but also how much of that took for you to be where you are and to share that with all of us. You know what I mean? If you didn't have that hard of a life and you didn't have that experience, would you have had the drive to figure that out, you know?
Monique Rhodes 21:42
And I would just be teaching a theory, I would just be saying, well, you can do this, whereas I can tell you with 100% certainty, because I've seen it with so many of my students, that what I did with myself is something that can be replicated. And so when you go from being in a hospital at 19 in absolute despair, to waking up every day excited about the day, feeling like, oh my God. Does it get better than this? I know that those two states are possible by working with my mind. That's it.
Lesley Logan 22:18
I'm really obsessed with this because I find, like most of my day, I do things that make me feel good, the way I wake up in the morning. I'm really, I'm so intentional about my morning routines, I might drive people crazy when I travel, because I'm like, no, you can't walk with me. I have to go for my walk. I need the sunshine. I need to do these things. But I know that, like, those things that I do are actually helping me get into my mind, find the happiness, get present. I have ADHD, and also an Aquarian, so I'm just like, air sign in my head. So I like, need all this, and so I'm obsessed with the different things that you've talked about, because there's so many of these things we can do that are free. And out of all the people that I've interviewed, at some point, you're like, paying for something. And obviously you probably have amazing tools we could all buy, but also giving a compliment to someone doesn't cost you anything.
Monique Rhodes 23:04
And also, that means that happiness is available to everybody. It's not something that is only available to people with loads of money, but the media teaches us that it is because it's always trying to get us to buy something. So the truth is, is that there is no difference between me and a beggar in the slums of India, where I've spent a lot of time. There's no difference. You know, I remember the first time I really started to realize that the story wasn't as simple as I thought was the first time that I went to Thailand. It was my first time in a third world country, and I remember going through these canals in Bangkok, and I remember seeing a guy, and he had four bamboo posts and a tarpaulin over the top. And I remember him sitting there with this big smile on his face, and he had a little bag of belongings beside him. I remember thinking, I think that's the happiest guy I've ever seen in my life. And I didn't get it. I was young, you know? I didn't get it because everything I'd been led to believe was money, success, fame, power, that's where happiness lay. But what we actually see is that so many of the people that have fame, success, money and power, are freaking miserable. They're some of the most miserable people. And yet, I've spent a lot of time in India. So I traveled through India for four years on a motorcycle as part of my journey by myself.
Lesley Logan 24:30
That is so cool.
Monique Rhodes 24:31
Right? And one of the things that I found was that, my God, the Indian people, some of the poorest people, so generous, so loving, so kind, would literally give you the shirt off their back, so much happier than the people in the West. I remember when I went to India, and the first time I came back and someone said to me, I don't think I could go to India. And I was like, why is that? And they said, because I couldn't handle the poverty. I said, you know, what I realized from living in India for so long is that the mental poverty of the West is way more painful than the physical poverty of places like India. We live with so much comfort, particularly in the United States, completely comfort-obsessed and the levels of stress, anxiety and depression are through the roof.
Lesley Logan 25:24
Yeah. I mean, we go to Cambodia, we have a helm there, and I am always amazed by the smile on the faces of people who sleep on the floor, and the generosity, because they so want to show you their life, and the generosity of them feeding you with the food that they really can't afford to have, but also it would take away from their joy and their happiness to not do that. So it's very interesting thing, and it makes you go, I'm judging them, but they're actually happy. They're actually happy. And I'm the one who's so concerned and so worried about all these different things, and that's from the Western mentality of growing up. And I'm a Pilates instructor as well. And the amount of people that cannot handle discomfort in their body, they're like, oh, that really hurts my ankles. And I'm like, pain, like, we're gonna break them, or just uncomfortable. And it's most of the time it is just uncomfortable. And I'm like, so this is a workout, and we have to be uncomfortable to change the body, otherwise, you stay the way you were and you came here for something different. So, you know, I think it's really interesting how many of us cannot handle discomfort in so many different ways, not just in the way we travel, but the way we move our body, the way we want our day to go. We don't like when anything gets out of the way, because then it's going to affect things. But also, even if everything went perfectly. They're not happy anyways.
Monique Rhodes 26:41
Think about the culture of the United States as an example. Right? Whenever I go to the States now I think about it. You have very comfortable cars. You have very comfortable wide roads. You have the comfort of going to all these shopping malls everywhere. You have the comfort of being able to order anything up to your house if you can't even be bothered walking out the door. You know the thing is, is that when you live in a third world country, like I live in Costa Rica, which is like a poorer country, and it's so beautiful, the other day, I was down at the beach and I got a flat tire, and I needed to go home and get something to change the tire. Because I do want you to know that I can change my own tire, even though I've got a big truck, because I live somewhere where you need four wheel drive. Anyway, I needed to go home, and I didn't have my phone with me because I was at the beach, and there was just this guy at the beach, and he had a little stand, and he just packed his stand up, got me in the car and drove me home. And I was like, I loved it. I loved it. Like it really put him out, and it was for no reason but the kindness. And what happens is that when we live in a world that doesn't have all of the comforts, people rely on each other more. When you get into a first world country, people are relying on each other less. They wake up in the morning in their little bubble, and then they get into their little bubble, and they drive to their little bubble, and they do their work in their little bubble, and then they go home and they watch TV for the rest of the day, you know? And it's like, actually, what we need is connection. We need community. We need belonging. We need to be with each other and interact with each other and get off our phones and actually see people, because that is what brings the nervous system down. That's what makes us well. So we kind of look at the West as this ideological state of, wow, look at all the stuff we've got, but all of it actually is taking away so much from the things that actually make us happy.
Lesley Logan 28:41
It is, oh my gosh, it really is. As we're recording this, in two days, I get to go to Cambodia, and I'm so excited because I just needed to be too hot, too humid, and I need, I need to be freaked out a little bit about making a left hand turn into oncoming traffic, like I need. There's something about getting out of all the comfort that we have here to remind ourselves, what do I truly need anyways? And what I love about it is because there is so much less distraction. It's every sunrise and every sunset is beautiful. Every rooster that wakes you up is the coolest thing. The wedding that goes until three in the morning, you're like, who's getting married right now? Because you don't have these other distractions. There's something you can see the beauty in all of these things. And so I do think it's a challenge, though, because so many people are afraid of letting go of their comfort. I guess I'm wondering, do you have like, baby steps for getting uncomfortable?
Monique Rhodes 29:36
I want to point out that the Pilates lady is more than likely uncomfortable in lots of ways. So she will avoid discomfort all over the place. She will not tell her husband that she's unhappy in her marriage. She will let her kid rule her rather than tell her kid off. There'll be a series of things that she does. It's really important we can handle discomfort. So one of the first things that I'm going to encourage people to do is to travel. Traveling is incredible, and I have traveled all over the world. And I'm going to say this just I'm going to tell you this truth for fun, I've slept in the slums in India, and I have spent weeks in a castle in Switzerland, and the truth is, is that it's all the same at the end of the day. There's nothing about the castle in Switzerland that was any better than the slums in India. So get yourself into places where you go somewhere like maybe go to Mexico or something. Don't stay at a fancy resort, stay at a little guest house. That's what I did through India for four years. I just stayed at little guest house like I literally lived on about $500 a month. That's what I lived on. Ate simply, lived simply because. Why? Because it made me strong. Made me stronger. If I can handle physical discomfort, I can handle emotional discomfort. So that's the first thing is to start to look and see maybe I can travel differently, or maybe I can think about, what are all the things that I have in my house that create comfort? What if tonight I sit on the floor, or what if tonight I give up something? You know, that's a really powerful thing, is to say to yourself, What could I give up for a week? Maybe I'm going to give up the dishwasher for a week, which, to me, is funny, because I don't have a dishwasher here. Maybe I could give up TV for a week. Maybe I could give up driving for a week. I don't know, choose something that's manageable, and give it up for a week, and then you start to appreciate it, because all of a sudden you don't have it. And that's a really powerful way so that when it comes back, you all of a sudden, are like, wow, I have this whole new appreciation for this thing, and to really make that correlation between discomfort and the ability to handle it equals strength. So you might even have a little journal for yourself where you say, every single day, I'm going to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I'm going to make that phone call that I don't want to make. I'm going to compliment someone in the street. Whatever it is, it's a muscle. It's literally, the muscle is courage and if you can build that muscle of courage, then you can handle any discomfort. You can literally put me anywhere with anybody, and I can handle it. And I know it from so many years of traveling solo around the world, but that wasn't just oh, it's just because it's who I am. It's because I've built the muscle of courage, and I consistently look for ways that I can flex it. If there's something that I'm afraid of, then I'll go, oh, here we go. Okay, I live in a country that has a lot of spiders, and I don't like spiders. I can actually handle a tarantula in my kitchen these days. I mean, how amazing is that? I don't even know how to, I don't know how to do that because it's just courage to tell a different story. It's all it is. That's it, Lesley, it's just a story. What story do I tell? Do I say to myself, I'm going to break my ankles in the Pilates class or do I say to myself, I'm strengthening them? Do I see someone in the street and think to myself, I'm too scared to tell them how beautiful they are? Or do I think to myself, this isn't about me. This person is going to feel amazing when they hear this. So, so much is the stories that we tell ourselves. You get to choose the story you tell yourself, but always flex that muscle of courage like your life depends on it, because it may.
Lesley Logan 33:54
I mean, I feel like courage is to be happy, and this life is courageous because it goes against the grain of what everyone is telling us, we should be we should be suffering, we should want for more, we, we don't have enough. And what I'm hearing you say, because I was really excited about this conversation, because I do wonder, like, can you truly be happy? And is happiness like being in the clouds? Like, do you know what I mean? Like, you have to ignore everything just to be happy. And what I'm loving from you is it's actually being in it all. In fact, go being the thing that makes you scared or makes you nervous or feels uncomfortable, and what can you become grateful for? Because that's where you're going to become happy.
Monique Rhodes 34:35
And also, think about it, Lesley, whenever you do something that you were afraid of and you managed to do it. There are very few better feelings in the whole world than that. So what the other side of fear there is often a feeling of incredible, sometimes exhilaration, but deep joy and happiness in yourself, because you start to see what am I capable of, and we're always so much more capable than we ever give ourselves credit for, or that anybody ever told us we were. Whenever I'm with my friends' kids, because I don't have kids myself, my sole goal is to show them that they are way more beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and capable, then they may see themselves at the moment. My only job is their honorary auntie. That's it. Is to show them possibility. Who's going to show you possibility? Well, you can show yourself possibility. Well, okay, so how do I do that? Well, every day, because this is the key is that happiness is a habit, so you've got to do habitual stuff. So every day you sit down, you set yourself a little challenge. You say to yourself, Okay, for 90 days, I'm going to sit down every morning, and I'm going to challenge myself to one, one thing. For 90 days. I'm going to do a courage challenge for 90 days. Discomfort courage challenge, or I might call it a possibility challenge. Okay, well, I'd like to learn how to change a tire. I'm like, oh, I'm going to do it. Go onto YouTube. So easy, right? If you don't know how to do it I'll make you a video, because I love changing tires because that's what you learn as a young New Zealander growing up, your dad always teaches you, so you never get yourself in trouble how to change the tire, right, or it might be, oh, there's something on my computer that I don't know how to do. You know that I'm struggling with. Okay. So learn it. Learn it. Move yourself out of this discomfort. So I'm often giving my students 90 day challenges. That's what I love doing. Give them a challenge for 90 days and say, let's work at this. I'm working with one of my students now who literally is working with discomfort so she can build that muscle. She's a friggin CEO of a company, big company, but she shies away from a lot of that discomfort and kind of manages things. So now it's who am I if I step into it, does it matter if I can't do it? Because that's the fear, because she's super capable. What if I can't do it? If I can't do it, I bypass it, I shy away. So now we're stepping her into 90 days of things that she can't do, and she is just loving it, because there's a whole other element of herself that's coming out and is so powerful. Imagine for 90 days doing every day, doing one little thing, one little thing. Tonight, I'm going to make a new recipe for dinner, or today I'm going to go to a different Pilates class, or I'm going to go a different way to work just those little things that take you out of your habitual comfort ways all of a sudden, without even realizing it, your confidence starts to grow because you're moving yourself in directions that you didn't actually realize. You didn't realize you were caught in a little box.
Lesley Logan 37:59
Yeah, it's a muscle we all need. It's often what's keeping people like, we call this, be it till you see it. It's the confidence. And I'm like, well, how are you gonna get confidence unless you do the thing you know, like you're born with confidence. I don't think so. I think you could have parents or people around you who remind you that you're doing things that are hard and amazing, that you're confident. But I find that the things that I do that are not things I was trying to do. I do them scared, and I know a few things about myself. I don't quit. I will figure out an answer, and if I don't like it at the other side of it, then I don't have to keep doing it. But right? But like, I'm gonna give it a go. I'm gonna give it the best shot. And then you get a confidence in the area, and it covers you into other areas you feel like you're not going to be confident, because you have evidence that you can do things that are hard, you can do things that are scary, you can do things that are uncomfortable. And that's part of the happiness. You know?
Monique Rhodes 38:49
But there's a payoff to it. It's really interesting because before I started teaching this, I was a singer, and I toured all over the world. When you go out on stage, and I've been on stage where the, you know, there's been 10,000 people and just me and my guitar. You go out on the stage and you've got two choices, and it's a hard choice. One, I can do a really good, solid set. I can do a good, solid set where I know all the notes that I'm going to sing and it's going to be safe, and that's what life is like. You can go through your life and you can say, I'm going to do a really solid set with my life. It's not going to be amazing, it's going to be good, but I might feel a bit meh, it's going to be good. Or you can go out on that stage and you can say to yourself, I'm going to go for it. I am going to go for the phenomenal, for the extraordinary, which is what I chose. I said to myself, when I got out of that hospital, I said, I want an extraordinary life. That's what I wanted, and that is what I've had, and that is what I live and I have to be comfortable with falling flat on my face. I have to be and the truth is, is that the weird thing is, is that I so rarely do. That's the weird thing, is that it's the times that I fall down are so much less than I ever would have I would have thought it'd be 50-50, it's not. It's probably about 1% of the time that I've flat on my face. And I'm really comfortable with it. I'm really good with it. Because the payoff is, is that I'm hitting the high notes. I am hitting the high notes, and I'm having this life that is awesome and fascinating and interesting, and I thrive in it. And so we've got to understand that it's a choice. So we've got to get comfortable with discomfort so that we can go for the high notes. If we're not comfortable with discomfort, we're always going to shy away and go for the comfort.
Lesley Logan 40:40
Oh yeah, Monique, I could talk to you for hours, but I've learned so much. I'm reminded of things that I've always wanted to do, or I used to do, and I feel like this is just such a solid, I feel like everyone's getting something from this. We're gonna take a brief break and find out where people can find you, follow you, work with you.
Lesley Logan 40:56
All right, Monique Rhodes, where do you hang out? And we know you're in Costa Rica, but can people connect with you online? Can they work with you? Where's all the good stuff?
Monique Rhodes 41:03
Yeah, absolutely. You can come to Costa Rica. I do retreats down here because I live the dream life Lesley, one of the most amazing retreat centers in the world, is five minutes from where I live. It's called Blue Spirit down here in Nosara in Costa Rica. So I host retreats here every year. But also the easiest way to come and find me is I have a website called I Intend To Be Happy, and that's the place that you can come and find me and start working with me. And I just love nothing more than helping people shift their happiness and really understand it. Listen, Lesley, if I can do it, anyone can, I'm no genius, I'm no superstar. I'm just a 19-year-old kid that wanted to change her life and managed to do it.
Lesley Logan 41:47
Oh yeah, everyone, please go and you know, let me know how it goes. I'm also going to look at your retreats, because I've been itching to get to Costa Rica, and I feel like this is a sign. Okay, you've given us so much already, and so feel free to remind us what you've already told us, or any bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted steps people can take to be it till they see it. What you have for us?
Monique Rhodes 42:06
I just think that it's really important to get to know you, to know that we live in a world that will consistently distract you from getting to know you. And one of the most powerful gifts that you can give yourself is to say, listen, there's a lot of noise out there. Let me, and you might have to do it gently, slowly but surely. Let me take time where I'm not running away from me. And I think that's one of the most powerful things, because the more you get to know you, and I know sometimes we think, by get to know me, I'll be afraid of me, but you won't be and to really just every day, take a little bit, take three minutes and just sit quietly or learn a meditation practice, just to get to know you. If you do that, it will change your life. I know myself so well. I have gone from being my own worst enemy, almost critic to being my own biggest cheerleader. So I don't actually need anybody else to bump me up or keep me going or help me like within myself, I'm able to, don't get me wrong, I've got amazing friends, and I love them, and there are times I need to discuss things, but day to day, I've got it all here because I'm my cheerleader. I'm the one that knows me best, and I'm the one that can help me along the path. And I think it's a really, really important thing for each of us to understand. Don't fall into all the distractions of the world. They're literally taking over your mind. Take your mind back. Take your power back. That's where it lies, right, right here.
Lesley Logan 43:43
Obsessed with you. Love you already, and you don't even need my compliment, because you are already happy without that. Everything about this is fabulous. You guys. How are going to use these tips in your life? I want to know. Monique wants to know. Please share this with a friend who needs to hear it. Honestly, especially those friends you care about, who you sometimes feel like you're avoiding because they are a downer on your day. They probably need to hear this the most, and then you all can have a bubble of influence. I'm just, yes, thank you, Monique, for this and everyone, until next time, Be It Till You See It.
Lesley Logan 44:14
That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.
Brad Crowell 44:56
It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.
Lesley Logan 45:01
It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.
Brad Crowell 45:06
Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.
Lesley Logan 45:13
Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.
Brad Crowell 45:16
Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.
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