470. How to Ditch Limiting Rules to Achieve Better Outcomes

00:00
24:12

Brad Crowell and guest co-host, Clare Solly, explore key insights from Lesley’s conversation with Chriss Janssen, life coach and author of Grace Yourself: How to Show Up for the Sober Life You Want. They discuss how to stop tying happiness to outside approval, why adaptability fuels success, and the power of showing up despite perfectionism or setbacks. Listen in to learn how to refocus on commitments and sidestep self-sabotage.


If you have any questions about this episode or want to get some of the resources we mentioned, head over to LesleyLogan.co/podcast. If you have any comments or questions about the Be It pod shoot us a message at beit@lesleylogan.co.

And as always, if you’re enjoying the show please share it with someone who you think would enjoy it as well. It is your continued support that will help us continue to help others. Thank you so much! Never miss another show by subscribing at LesleyLogan.co/subscribe.


In this episode you will learn about:

  • Why linking happiness to others’ approval sets you up for failure
  • How to be flexible in handling life’s unexpected twists.
  • Focusing on commitments instead of fleeting motivation.
  • Adjusting rules to serve your outcome instead of hindering it.
  • Remembering your 'why' when the going gets tough.


Episode References/Links:

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure and give us a five star rating and leave us a review on iTunes, Podcast Addict, Podchaser or Castbox.

DEALS! DEALS! DEALS! DEALS!

Check out all our Preferred Vendors & Special Deals from Clair Sparrow, Sensate, Lyfefuel BeeKeeper’s Naturals, Sauna Space, HigherDose, AG1 and ToeSox

Be in the know with all the workshops at OPC

Be It Till You See It Podcast Survey

Be a part of Lesley’s Pilates Mentorship

FREE Ditching Busy Webinar

Resources:

Follow Us on Social Media:

Episode Transcript:

Brad Crowell 0:00  

We should ditch the rule of "I'm measuring my happiness based on how people like me." Ditch the rule and just go after the outcome of "I'm going to be happy."


Lesley Logan 0:13  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.


Brad Crowell 0:55  

Welcome back to the Be It Till You See It interview recap, obviously, I'm Brad here today with a very special guest of ours who's stepping in for LL, Clare Solly, one of Lesley's best friends, who has been both a guest on the pod and been a recap host many times now, she's an author and actor. She's LL's slingshot friend, if you remember from Episode 19. She lives in New York City and generally kicks ass and takes names. Clare, welcome, welcome back.


Clare Solly 1:23  

Thank you. Thank you. The kicking ass list is very long these days, so I'm glad to be here. I'm so excited. I love this pod. And you know, long time listener and I'm always delighted to jump in.


Brad Crowell 1:36  

Well, thanks for doing that. Today, we're going to dig into the grounded conversation that LL had with Chris Janssen in our last episode. If you have not yet listened to that, feel free to pause this today, right now. Go back, listen to that, then come back and join us. Honestly, it's an incredibly heartfelt episode. She comes across as so kind and thoughtful.


Clare Solly 1:56  

Yeah, I just want to, like, get a blanket and snuggle in and, like, listen to her talk.


Brad Crowell 2:00  

Yeah, and I'm very intrigued by her book. I'm intrigued by her journey. It's worth going back checking that out. But before we get started today, we got a couple things. Clare, why don't you tell us about today? 


Clare Solly 2:12  

WNational Word Nerditations, everyone, officially, Today is January 9th and it's National Word Nerd Day, which, if you know me in person, I totally am a word nerd. We celebrate National Word Nerd Day by enthusing about our favorite words, which is magnanimous and the importance of language in our culture, and whether you know what to say or always have a foot in your mouth, words are essential to success and progress, and word nerd day gives us the opportunity to learn some new words. So go flip to a page in the dictionary and find a word you don't know and celebrate Word Nerd Day.


Brad Crowell 2:49  

Yeah, I love that. I just typed what new word should I learn today? And (inaudible). Okay, okay, this is kind of funny. All right. Berate, this is Google's AI, berate, beseech, bestow, cease, butthurt. Really? I didn't know that was formally a word now. I thought it was two words. Apparently it's one word.


Clare Solly 3:19  

There you go. Learn something new everyday.


Brad Crowell 3:21  

Humblebrag, one word, apparently. I thought that was two words. Touch grass. That is two words, come on Google, fail, fail, fail. That's hilarious. I'm all about words myself. I think my vocabulary grew dramatically because I was a avid reader when I was a kid, and it's so funny. I just started listening to another book, and I had to slow it down because the author is on another level of words and our normal vernacular that we use all the time. I can listen to that at like, times two times three speed, and I can process the information, no problem. But I cannot listen (inaudible).


Clare Solly 4:00  

(inaudible) so you have to process at high rate of speed.


Brad Crowell 4:04  

But it's funny, because I had to slow it down to like, one five and I was like, man, it's been a long time since I listened to a book this slow, because he's using words that I have to think about before I can understand what he said. And then when you're trying to do that, you missed the next thing. I'm a big fan. I love it. I think reading will change all that. But before we get to Chris Janssen and we got a couple amazing things, here's what's coming up in the LL, the Brad future and the dogs here, although they don't get to join us for this first thing, we're going back to Cambodia in February. 


Clare Solly 4:34  

Yay. 


Brad Crowell 4:36  

Yeah, I'm so excited to just slip out of (inaudible) Lesley and I are gonna hop on a plane. We're gonna fly over there and prep everything for our upcoming retreat. We have an incredible group of amazing women coming with us, and one good man actually it's the son, so it's gonna be a mom-son coming. Yeah, that's gonna be really cool. And apparently he's a traveler, as it is, so I think mom's very excited that the two of them are gonna be able to share this trip together. But February is only, I think, five weeks away right now. There is still time to come. If that's something you're interested in doing. I know it's a bit short for an international trip to the other side of the world, so we have just made the announcement that Cambodia in October is also going to be happening, but it's only being announced to people who are on the waitlist. Since you're listening to this, and you might not be on the waitlist. I'm going to tell you how to find it. Go to crowsnestretreats.com crowsnestretreats.com and you will actually see all the information on there. We are running a special offer. So if you're curious about what that actually looks like, it will be on the October retreat. There is a window for that, so don't wait. Go check that out right now. As you heard us talking about through November and December, Lesley was in Los Angeles doing the accessories, flash card deck photo shoot. And man, it was the journey. We crashed with some friends that were like five minutes away from the studio, and Lesley spent an entire week busting up the guillotine. I mean, it was crazy. All the things. We had some amazing photo shoots there, and it was a lot of fun. And we can't wait to share those with you on the upcoming deck that's going to be coming out during the summer, this summer, for the accessories flash card deck. It's the last one of six decks. Go to opc.me/flashcardwaitlist opc.me/flashcardwaitlist, and we'll give you the biggest hookup that we ever offer for people, only the people on the waitlist get the hook up on this, and it's a nice discount. So make sure you do that now. This is my world here. If you are feeling stuck in your Pilates business, I can't wait to share with you three massive secrets that Lesley and I have learned after coaching more than 2500 businesses, small businesses just like you over the past seven years, because Profitable Pilates just turned seven this month. I can't even believe that. 


Clare Solly 6:48  

Wow. 


Brad Crowell 6:49  

I'm now offering a webinar. It's been amazing to share this information and also just connect with additional Pilates business owners and fitness business owners. But if you're feeling stuck with your money, if you're feeling stuck with getting new clients, then come join me. This is a free webinar. Go to prfit.biz/accelerator. That's profit without the O, dot biz slash accelerator. And come join me for a free webinar. I'd love to meet you and see how we can support you in what you're trying to do. And then lastly, it's going to be Lesley's birthday at the end of this month. And as you all know, we always make a big deal out of it at the end of January. So stay tuned, because there might just be something special happening over at OPC. Join the countdown. Go to opc.me/birthday, and you'll be the first to get the big reveal. That's opc.me/birthday, but first and finally, before we get to Chris Janssen, Clare, we had an audience question, and the audience was an audience of one. It was the audience of Lesley, and she's like, I'm writing a question for Clare to answer. So what are your goals, and do you set them for 2025?


Clare Solly 8:01  

You know, it's hysterical. It's hysterical that she asked this question of me, and I feel like she sort of set me up to say it, because for years, she and I have talked about like we we don't make New Year's resolutions. We don't make goals. 


Brad Crowell 8:13  

Clearly, she knew this. 


Clare Solly 8:14  

We don't make resolutions, but we do, you know, we have, I think for me, like we used to say it was a goal, and now it's like a focus. I am trying to be more present in my life and just sit in my humanness and go, I'm here to live and to breathe them into experience and whatever. And I actually saw something at the very end of the year, and it was like, go get a jar and at the end of every week, write on a piece of paper, something good that happened to you this week, and then on New Year's Eve at the end of the year go through, or New Year's Day, go through and read all the things I'm not good.


Brad Crowell 8:49  

That's like the coolest advent calendar that isn't an advent calendar. 


Clare Solly 8:53  

Right? I'm not necessarily good at doing, like, the weekly journal entries, or those ones where, like, you have a journal, where you, like, write a sentence every day for five years. Like, I always think that it's a good idea. And then, you know (inaudible).


Clare Solly 9:04  

But then in practice, life lives. 


Clare Solly 9:07  

But I'm gonna put this on, like, in my kitchen so I see it every morning, or I'll make it my Sunday thing. I'll sit down and I'll write out, like, something good that happened. Like, I'll put it maybe an alarm in my calendar or something. 


Brad Crowell 9:18  

That's what I was just gonna say. If it's not on my calendar. It does not happen. And then I also, I use Hey Siri all the time, and she's going to talk to me now, because I just said that, yep. I just say, you know, remind me. And you can make a reminder in your phone. You can make it a weekly, recurring thing. And I believe with the new release on iOS, it actually just inserts it into your calendar as well. 


Clare Solly 9:41  

That'll be, yeah, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna try that. We'll see how it goes. You can have me back next January, and we'll talk about that. 


Brad Crowell 9:48  

We'll keep you posted. That's really cool, because what an awesome tool. And here's what's cool about that, too. It doesn't have to just be like, Okay, throw those ones out and start next year's. You could actually keep those. You could put those, the way I'm imagining it, if you're putting them into a jar, then maybe they're on like, a long, thin piece of paper. You could eventually just put those into a book, you know, and then that could become your journal. Five years from now, you got five years of those once a week. You got 250 of them. I mean, what an amazing way to celebrate life.


Clare Solly 10:21  

And it's funny too, because it's like there are some things we go through day to day that are or week by week, that are little wins, or that feel like they were a gigantic thing this week. But like, you look back in hindsight and you're like, okay, great, I did that. Or you can't even remember when you did it, so I don't know. So now (inaudible). 


Brad Crowell 10:40  

I just imagine passing that along years from now, you know. Like I'm thinking, what if my grandparents did that, you know? And I'm like, I've got this weird window until like 1953, you know, that could be really cool. Anyway, I love it. I think that's a really clever idea. I think the more that we.


Clare Solly 11:00  

Celebrate little things? 


Brad Crowell 11:02  

I was gonna say New Year's resolutions just get me annoyed. We are fighting perfectionism, and I think that the new year's resolution sets us up for failure, because if life lives and something jacks up the week and you forgot to do the thing, what is the first inclination? Blame yourself. I fucked it up again. And instead of that, I feel like I like the guidelines or the goals, you know that aren't this like, I'm gonna start exercising every day. I'm gonna quit drinking for the month of January. I'm gonna whatever it is. I think when we set it as like this concrete thing, it ends up becoming just one more rule that we have to live by.


Clare Solly 11:40  

I mean, I think it's a nice idea, especially for those of us in the northern hemisphere where it's very cold and it's winter, we have nothing else to do but to like, focus on ourselves. But there's only so much nasal gazing, navel, I sound (inaudible).


Brad Crowell 11:55  

How do we gaze up our nasal? 


Clare Solly 11:57  

Navel-gazing that you can do before it becomes like you're just picking at a scab and you're that perfectionist still trying to chip away, and it's like I am who I am at this point. And yes, there are things that could be tweaked, and there are ways I could be healthier, and there are ways that I could do better, but honestly appreciating who I am now. And we always say meeting someone else where they are, but meeting myself where I am right now. Like, let's go there, let's have that (inaudible) 2025 so.


Brad Crowell 12:28  

Hey I love that. That's a good New Year's resolution. Let's meet ourselves where we are. 


Clare Solly 12:32  

Yeah. 


Brad Crowell 12:35  

I love it. Okay, stick around. We'll be right back, and we're gonna get into Lesley's interview with Chris Janssen. 


Brad Crowell 12:42  

All right, now let's talk about Chris Janssen. Chris Janssen is a life coach and author who specializes in assisting high-achieving perfectionists in navigating performance pressure, overcoming self-sabotage and rewriting personal narratives. Her second book, Grace Yourself: How to Show Up for the Sober Life You Want, offers practical tools and exercises to help individuals find meaning in life's uncomfortable events. Passionate about making transformation accessible. Chris guides people through the process of personal growth, empowering them to achieve the life they desire. I love it. 


Clare Solly 13:20  

It was a great, great podcast, like I took so much away from it. So this is gonna, you know, buckle up, go back and listen to it again, like it was so good. One thing she said I really loved was high-achieving perfectionists attach meaning to life, to events and circumstances that are beyond our control. That, again, Lesley and I both claim to be recovering people-pleasers and perfectionists. So the fact that, yes, we attach so much, you know, we tried to go to the grocery store today, and instead we had to answer a phone call or family dropped over. You know, we just had holidays, right? So it's like, so many unexpected things happen, and then arguments arise, conversations arise, and you weren't necessarily ready to handle those because it was the holidays, and you just wanted to be like, happy and live through all that. Or we just talked about goals and resolutions, right? You set out to have a goal and a resolution and life lives, and you just can't stick with what new you know? 


Brad Crowell 14:24  

Or something gets in the way and it blocks that is out of your control. And I think one of the things that Lesley said during the interview was really relevant to the people that we get to coach. She said that, okay, cool. Now my next goal is I'm gonna go out and get four new clients, and that's not in our control. We can certainly do all the things to put ourselves in a position to receive new clients and to connect with people, but we can't make the decision for them to actually be our client. Right? So if we're like, I didn't get four new clients, then you feel like a failure, but that shouldn't necessarily be the thing that, you know, like, what you can control is your messaging, the effort you put in getting it out there, putting yourself in the place where you're going to meet those people. You can control those things, but you can't control them being like, yes, right? 


Clare Solly 15:20  

You can control your output and your reaction, but that's all you can control. Other people rolling around this life are having their own journey, and they have all their own life lifeing happening. I'm feeling that Brad, by the way.


Brad Crowell 15:32  

And timing is so much a part of it. Yeah, yeah, steal it out. Steal away. I don't know where what that, that just happened on the pod at one point, but I don't remember the specific moment. But yeah, I think, you know, there's a lot of shame and guilt associated with failure that isn't necessarily failure, because we can't control those things. So anyway, it's one of those things that we don't actually put our finger on very often, where we're like, hey, wait a minute. I don't have the final say in the events that have unfolded here, but we still blame ourselves for it. So I thought that was really profound, too. I really dug when she was talking about that we make it impossibly difficult to succeed in getting what we want, yet tragically easy to fail at getting what we want. So think about that. We make it impossibly difficult to succeed, yet tragically easy to fail at getting what you want. And she said, yeah, let's talk about happiness. So the rule you set for yourself is to be happy, and the way that you determine your happiness is that people will like you, if people like you, then you're going to be happy. Right? So this goes right back to what we were just talking about, you know, where we don't have control over it, in that the validation that we're looking for, the validation that we're trying to, to what we've defined as success, isn't available for us to lock down, right? That's like setting ourselves up for failure, exactly like she's saying here. We'll make it tragically easy to fail. If that's our measuring stick for being happy, then we're really screwed. But it's funny how often that we do that to ourselves. Chris said something that I wanted her to say, like, two or three more times in a row. Just say it over and over again. We should ditch the rule of, "I'm measuring my happiness based on how people like me." Ditch the rule, and just go after the outcome of, "I'm going to be happy." Right? And that's going to allow us to get all those other things out of the way. I mean, this could be success, right? Like sales, I have to keep selling. This could be again, clients. Our worthiness is determined based on the performance that we're doing or the people that we're helping. That's our measuring stick. What happens after you've taught Pilates for 50 years and you can't teach anymore? What does that mean for you at that point in your life? You know, it's so interesting. This comes down to identity, you know, and what we tie to how we define ourselves internally, and then something will change, you know, what if there's an accident and you can't be doing the things that you're doing anymore, or what if something comes through that changes?


Clare Solly 18:24  

Yeah. And sometimes we change. Sometimes we realize our dreams and our goals are not what we wanted to do. Lesley talks about this all the time, yeah. When I met her, she was going in a direction, and her life changed, and she realized she couldn't go in that direction anymore. And sometimes you can't base your happiness on that measuring stick, right? You have to be both flexible and focused at the same time, but the flexibility sometimes is more important and living life, seeing what rises up for you. 


Brad Crowell 18:55  

Yeah, yeah, totally. Stick around. We'll be right back. We're going to dig into those Be It Action Items. All right. So finally, let's talk about those Be It Action Items. Say with me here. What bold, executable, intrinsic or targeted action items can we take away from Lesley's convo with Chris Janssen? I'm gonna jump right in here. She said hey, stick to your commitments. Don't wait for motivation or inspiration. Commit to it. Get in action and just do it. There'll be seasons or days or times when we don't feel like showing up, but that's when we're going to show up anyway and stick to those commitments. So she's talking about sobriety, right? And one thing that I found was so powerful is she said, hey, the perspective needs to be flipped. It's not oh my god, I have to be sober now. Instead, it's, Oh, I get to be sober, you know? And I thought, wow, what an amazing way to look at it, because it gives you permission to be sober. In fact, it's a joy to be sober in that perspective. And when the challenge comes along of, oh, I wish I was drinking or I want to have a drink right now. Now, instead of it being a negative, oh, I just, I have to be fucking sober right now. Instead, it's a positive, no, no, I get to be sober, and that really will help you stick to your commitment. That was super powerful. 


Clare Solly 20:25  

Yeah, I agree. I like that she mentioned focus on your commitments over your craving. So focus on what you want in life. Focus on what you are trying to get and trying to get to. You know, not necessarily that end goal, but what does today look like, and to tweak the tactics and not the goal. So how do I get from point A to B if I can't use the bridge? How do I drive from my house to the grocery store if I can't get to the bridge? Or how? How can I get from the job that I'm in now to being a Pilates instructor without sacrificing my entire life, you know, again, or sobriety, like we have many, many, many options here. Also, I just want to flag. I love that she has been not sober once, but twice. And I love when people come forward with these stories, that we as humans can just sit there in humanness and not necessarily have to live the life that she did, but understanding through her failure, and then reading this book or hearing her talk, and just realize we we don't have to go backwards. Just keep going for I like that she used the word grit, too. Just keep pushing through and get to where you need to go. And whether that's you've experienced it yourself, you're listening to somebody else's experience something parallel to what you're living in. And love that. And I love that. She said something else too, that it's a small shift to get to where you need to be extraordinary. So just loved this. Loved it. 


Brad Crowell 21:48  

I like how these two things kind of go together. It's almost like this yours is like the step before sticking to the commitment. If understanding the permission structure and the framing structure helps you stick to your commitments. Then when that challenge comes along and you're focused on your craving, I want this thing. I need this thing. Or my perfectionism, I have to have it perfectly correct. There is still a moment in there. We have to identify that you're in that moment. And that's when she says, Hey, you have to focus on your commitments. And it's easier to focus on your commitments if you also understand why you're doing it. You mentioned that she was sober two times. When she got sober, the first time, she said, well, there wasn't this rock bottom of like, oh my God, everything exploded. She said, I felt like I needed to do this, and I had kids coming, and that was a enough of a catalyst to make it happen. But then 14 years later, when her kids were in their teens, she was like, I can't really remember why I got sober, because it wasn't this like explosive event in her world that blew everything up. And then when she decided to drink again, that's actually when things went down pretty hard, and she said she did have a rock bottom, and fortunately, she, you know, has someone in her life who was able to support her through that, her spouse, but she said focusing on her why? Yeah, probably would have kept her from choosing to drink again in the 14 years later, because she had forgotten the sparkle of the why that moment. You know, I think that's also another amazing thing that will help you stick to your commitments, is focusing on your why. 


Brad Crowell 21:49  

So, listen, y'all, we think you're amazing. Thanks so much for being here today. I'm Brad Crowell. 


Clare Solly 22:35  

And I'm Clare Solly. 


Brad Crowell 22:57  

Thanks so much for joining. If you want to hear more from Clare, follow her at claresolly.com, that's C-L-A-R-E-S-O-L-L-Y.com. We're so grateful you're here. How are you going to use these tips in your life? Let us know by sending a DM to the pod on Instagram, or leave us a comment on YouTube, or just text us, and we will catch you in the next episode. And don't forget to Be It Till You See It. 


Clare Solly 24:02  

Bye.


Lesley Logan 24:04  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.



Brad Crowell 24:47  

It's written, filmed and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan and me Brad Crowell.


Lesley Logan 24:52  

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.




Brad Crowell 24:56  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.


Lesley Logan 25:03  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.



Brad Crowell 25:07  

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.



Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/be-it-till-you-see-it/donations

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy