730. The Advice Audit: Who Actually Gets a Vote in Your Life?

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21:40

For some of us advice feels like support. For others it's one more voice to manage. Wherever you land, Lesley Logan borrows a Brené Brown question to sort through the crowd of opinions we collect from mentors, friends, and family, and figure out whose opinion should matter in the first place. Maybe it's time to notice that the smartest people in your life are often smart in a lane that has nothing to do with yours.


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In this episode you will learn about:

  • The difference between receiving advice and absorbing advice
  • Why other people's advice is really about their fears and limitations
  • Not every correction is meant for every body on every day
  • How to notice when advice creates urgency, shame, or people-pleasing
  • Feedback is information, not instruction


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Episode Transcript:

Lesley Logan 0:00  

When it comes to knowing what to do next, I think the problem often in being it till we see it, in taking action towards our goals, is that we actually have collected so many opinions about the next step, we have forgotten our own opinion, and we have no idea what to do. We almost have too many options.


Lesley Logan 0:16  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started. 


Lesley Logan 0:58  

Hello, Be It babe. Welcome back to the Be It Till You See It podcast. It's a solo week, so we're talking about listening to ourselves again. You guys love that series so much. We're taking it to the next step, which really is this one's near and dear to me because I think there's actually this happens a lot in the Pilates industry a lot. So I might use my Pilates experience to talk through this idea. So you don't have to know Pilates to, you can insert anything, massage, engineering, whatever it is for that. Hopefully, I think. So, when it comes to knowing what to do next, I don't actually think the problem is that you don't know what to do. I think the problem often in being it till we see it and in taking action towards our goals is that we actually have collected so many opinions about the next step, we forgot our own opinion, and we have no idea what to do. We almost have too many options, right? It's like when I go to the Cheesecake Factory. I don't because I know how big the menu is, and I don't even know where to start. What let me know. 


Lesley Logan 1:53  

So in this third part of our listening series, we're going to talk about the discernment and advice overload, and because I don't want you to not have outside feedback, but I also don't want outside feedback hijacking your internal signal, right? I want us to be able to break down how you receive input without absorbing all of it, so that you can, one, stop asking for permission from people who aren't even in the same place as you or going to the same place as you, but also discern, like when should you absorb it? When should you let it? I get so much advice unsolicited all the fucking time. I would be in an insane asylum if I absorbed most of it. And I think part of having a little bit of the, not a little bit, part of being ADHD is that I do forget a lot of it, so that's good. Part of being ADHD is that I have a sensitivity to rejection, so sometimes I don't want people's thoughts and opinions to, if I don't take it, I don't want them to feel bad. But I've had to learn through a lot of almost burnout. How do I go, "Oh wow, thank you so much for that. I can see how that worked for you," right? How do I have a nice way? And maybe you have to come up with those nice ways so that you can receive information without absorbing the things that you don't need. So first, let's talk about how do we receive without absorbing advice. 


Lesley Logan 3:05  

So I've talked about this concept a few times on this podcast, but just in case you're new, hi, and just in case you need to hear it again, we need to have a boundary between listening to someone else's perspective and letting it trigger our anxiety or creating an urgency that's outside of the pace we want to go, or creating shame in our own nervous system. So we do have to have a good awareness of ourselves and how we operate and how our systems function. And this is where getting to know yourself is really important. And how do you do that?


Lesley Logan 3:34  

Sometimes it is figuring out your operating system. Right? I have an autism and ADHD systems that I've discovered, and now everything makes sense, including the Aquarian in me. Knowing that it actually explains why some things activate me more, some things make me feel more anxious than other things should. So, knowing yourself is really, really important. But when it comes to receiving advice and information, we do need to have some sort of filtration. So, for me, this piece of advice that I heard on a podcast 15 years ago was from Brené Brown, right? Our wonderful Brené Brown, which is having awareness around whose opinions of you or what you're doing matter, and then have them on a list, have them on a piece of paper, and then making sure that they know that.


Lesley Logan 4:17  

So there are people in your family, in my family, in our lives, dear friends, who think that they're being helpful with the information that they're giving, but it is coming from a place of their own situation, right? And so we do need to be aware. Like, you know, you would, if you are trying to go to dental school, you are not asking me, you are not coming to this podcast for dental school advice. I actually don't know much about that. I know what I want a good dentist to do and be, but I don't know where, what the best schools are. I don't even know how the best you research that. I don't know how long that would take. You would ask your favorite dentist or the dentist that inspired you, right? You would ask them, and so having clarity around the area that you're going into, the steps you want to take, and making sure that you maybe even take a moment to go, "If I'm going to share this information with people that I'm doing this, whose advice am I actually going to listen to, and whose advice am I going to let go one ear and out the other?" Right? How am I going to just go, "Oh, okay, great." And I don't want you to think that I'm flippant or that I don't appreciate people's time in telling me what they think, but honestly, advice I got today was that I need more dogs. I would love more dogs, but I don't need more dogs. And if I were to absorb that information, I would actually start to think about how to get more dogs. And really, my goal right now is creating a teacher training program that actually works really well, right? So the way that I am actually filtering even the podcast that I listen to is: Does this have information that can support the place I'm going, or is it creating fear? If it's creating fear, I have to stop listening because fear is not going to help me feel confident in what I'm doing, but if it is, "Oh yeah, that is actually good information to keep in mind," then I can write it down. I can take a moment to absorb it, right?


Lesley Logan 6:08  

So really, take notice in your day about when are you just receiving information or when are you letting it stick with you. You know, I was listening to a podcast the other day and I heard some bad news. Has nothing to do with my life, technically, but it was playing on repeat in my brain. Hold on, this is confusing my next steps on this thing because I'm so distracted by this thing that has nothing to do with me right now. You know, so having awareness is going to be really, really key. Which brings us to, I've been kind of dancing around this, but I'm going to dive in deeper. The danger of misaligned mentors. So most people's advice for us is a reflection of their fears, their limitations, their values, not yours. Now you guys might align in values, right? There might be some that are very similar. They may even have the best intentions, but oftentimes there's fears in there, right? As they ask questions, they're really trying to get their own, and often it's subconscious, their own fears quelled, but it can actually stir up yours. So a story is Brad and I've talked about my mom's dad, my grandfather.


Lesley Logan 7:13  

We stopped telling him where we were traveling because he was, "Oh, that's so dangerous. That's this, that's that." And it's first of all, I live in a country that is actually on 134th or 37th in danger. So come on, it's not up there with safety. It's not in the, it's down at 137 because it's unsafe. So he lived a life of fear of people, fear of traveling, and so if I had listened to him, I would never have. And I have people in my life who did listen to him, and they saw nothing, you know. And I feel really bad because honestly, I think travel is one of the best things you could do to realize that we're more the same than we are different. 


Lesley Logan 7:49  

So when we are sharing or soliciting opinions from people, we do need to make sure that those mentors are in alignment with us, right? We do need to really explore that. For example, a lot of people who teach differently than me ask me questions about how to teach X, how to teach Y, and often are disappointed in my answer or confused because it is different than how they were taught. Well, I'm not trying to confuse them or disappoint them. I only know how I was taught, and I only know why I still believe what I teach based on my own research, my own curiosities, my own studying. Right, so I actually cannot speak to how they were taught that exercise, and so unintentionally, they have asked a misaligned mentor, even if they like me. Misaligned mentors do not mean they're bad people, right? I don't think I'm a bad person, but if I'm not in alignment with how you want to teach, I can be a confusing person to go to. Now please keep coming to my tutorials. Please keep asking me questions. But also, I'm going to come from my own lens, and that's human nature. I cannot come from your lens. I didn't live your life, right? That goes for any mentor. 


Lesley Logan 8:57  

I had some really, there were some really great coaches that I had invested in, and people told me that they would be really, really great for my business. And they said how much they were great for their business. And you want to know what? They're probably great coaches, and they were completely misaligned for what I was doing. They had no experience in the area I was in. Now I would say that's on them because they sold me and they told me that they could help me. I did not know that they did not have experience in what I do. I was trusting the opinions of other people. So really making sure that as you're looking for mentors, as you're looking for people to be in your ear, in your corner, that you are aware of your values first of all, that you can figure out what their values are, and when you ask for advice, if you are bothered or disappointed or frustrated by some of the advice you get, ask follow-up questions. "Oh, why would you say that? Why do you think that? Oh, where is that coming from?" They might not even know, but if you ask them, it might help clarify. So, for example, when people go, "Oh, I just had someone who listens to the podcast who was talking about the Wunda Chair springs on mine are really hard to change, and I don't have that experience because my life experience with the chair is easy for me to switch the springs. But based on their life experience, it's not. So my follow-up question was, "Oh, tell me more about what you're used to. Tell me how you're doing it," right? So that when I give advice, it can be in alignment with the goal that they're having. So it really is a two-way street. Most, hopefully, hopefully you're choosing mentors of people who actually want to be a mentor, and they've taken time to understand what that looks like. Sometimes we pick mentors who have no idea that they're your mentor, and that goes back to what I said about Brené Brown. She says, "Who are the people whose opinions matter, and do they know? Do they know that?" Because that can also weigh differently, you know.


Lesley Logan 10:42  

How, if I know somebody is, for example, people who are in my eLevate program, I weigh how I give them answers to their questions differently than someone who's just randomly asking me on YouTube. Why? One, I know them. I know what they're going to do with the information. I know who they're teaching. I know what equipment they're on. Someone on YouTube, I actually don't know what equipment they're on. I don't know what they're doing with the information. I don't know where often the information is coming from. So I have to give, I have to give an answer that's in alignment with what I believe and what I think, but it can't be as detailed and nuanced because I don't know the context that is being asked in. Right? Who gets to be information that you absorb? Who gets to be information that you look from and you look to? So something that's really popular in Pilates today is cue, cue, cue. Correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct, correct. And the reality is, is that the one that's unhelpful for people to always be correcting them. It's not how people learn. It's not how motor learning works. In fact, if we only focus on people aren't doing well, we are not ever taking time for them to do something well, right? And so, if you're in that class where everyone is, where the teacher is cueing and cueing and correcting and correcting, and you hear something that was meant for somebody else, but you apply it to your body, you can get hurt, right?


Lesley Logan 12:04  

My husband was in a yoga class. We'll just use yoga for this example because this is really interesting. My husband has a lot of hypermobility in his joints, and the teacher was giving a correction to several people in the class, and Brad went to go do it, which meant he overcorrected in the exercise, and the teacher goes, "Not for you. Not every cue is for you." Part of doing yoga is understanding when a cue is for you, right? And so the teacher actually had to, for a long time, give the class a correction and then go, "Not you, Brad," right? Because if you have not created the muscle that allows you to know when to integrate and when to just let it go, it's very easy to overwhelm yourself. And this is what I see in Pilates teachers, they're studying from so many different people. As, by the way, you should have, you should in your life experience different mentors. So I'm not trying to gatekeep there, but if you're trying to study from me and three other classical teachers, you're going to get four different voices in your head, right? And we're probably all even saying somewhat of the same thing, but we come at it from a different approach based on who taught us, based on our own body's experience, based on our own experiences teaching it to people. And if you are trying to take all four of those opinions and go, "Well, how do I apply it to my exercise here?" You are going to be confused, and you're going to feel stuck. And then you got to go back to our stuck series.


Lesley Logan 13:29  

So, I have homework for you, right? I have some Be It Action Items, if you will. I want you to take some time to think about who is in your vote audit, right? List the names of people whose opinions you are going to consider, and maybe you might even think about in what scenarios. I'm absolutely going to listen to my mother-in-law's advice on cooking. Of course, I am not going to listen to her advice on anything that has to do with my entrepreneurial business, not because she's not smart. She's fucking brilliant. In case you're listening, hi, she's brilliant, right? But she doesn't know my experience, what it, what my life is like being on the internet, being something that people talk about, being someone who has an impact that they want to make, and in doing that, will disappoint some people, right? So it's important you have to write down whose opinions of you matter, and maybe in what categories. My mother's an incredible school teacher. Some of her tips for teaching are really applicable to what I do, and also she's a first-grade school teacher, she's not a Pilates teacher.


Lesley Logan 14:38  

So a lot of it isn't because I don't teach in those kinds of formats. I don't have that many students at the same time. They have learned how to read. There's, you know, there's different things. So there are some epic people in your life who have great ideas in narrow areas. The next, if you don't want to do that here, or you can in addition to, I want you to think. Think about the last piece of business or lifestyle advice you received. Did it make your body feel expansive and open, or did it create panic or pressure or a sudden urge to people please? So your body, right? This is the listen to yourself series. Your body is telling you when something feels good, and if people's advice makes you feel like you need to contract, take up less space, that is information for you. Doesn't make the information wrong. I'm not saying that I can't say what's right or wrong. I don't know what the information is, but I want you to notice what it does, because if maybe the information is accurate. Maybe you wanted to go for a hike tomorrow in this amazing space, and somebody says that is going to be terrible. There's a lightning situation that's going to happen and flash flooding. That might make you create panic or pressure or disappointment. That doesn't mean you don't listen to the advice, but it may be okay. Well, maybe I have to focus on why I want to do this in the first place, and what can I do instead? Right? How can we do that? So just notice because your body is telling you things about how you feel about information and what you want in this life. 


Lesley Logan 16:12  

What to do next. Lastly, your last piece of homework or journaling. Who is currently giving you advice or influencing your choices? And so if we did an audit, who do you want? But this is different. Who is it currently? Do you actually want that in your daily life? I did a podcast little adjustment because I just kind of noticed that because I love my morning routine, and I was noticing that between my podcasts and just checking in with the Instagram in the morning, that I often started the mornings feeling a little bit, oh, right, and so I was just, what podcasts am I avoiding? What podcasts are kind of making me feel bored or not making me feel uplifted? So I got rid of some. They're great podcasts, by the way. I would definitely recommend them. There's nothing wrong. It's just that in this place where I am right now, they're not making me feel expansive, and so I'm in search of podcasts that I can learn more from and be inspired by, especially in this fucked-up world we're in. Maybe there isn't a person. Maybe you're just scrolling so much. I have a lot of people that I coach who are making way too many decisions based on what the founders of Meta are fucking doing. Oh my God, why are we letting these billionaires control the actions that we take to make the impact we want? I fucking don't like them either. I'd love to get the fuck off these platforms. However, I have to be where my people are, right? I have to. So I'm gonna do that and hope that I get rich enough to tell them to fuck off. So hopefully that gave you some inspiration. Sometimes we're giving people too much control over our lives. Yeah, and we're losing the goal. So you gotta listen to yourself. So you cannot step into your own authority if you are constantly looking around to other room to see if everyone approves of your path. That is going to be a nightmare. I actually just texted somebody whose opinion matters in the industry that I am in. It doesn't really matter either way for me. However, if what she had said had been negative, I probably been like, fucker. What does she know? But also, what she said back to me was so beautiful, and I was, oh, I didn't need her approval, but I liked having it, right? But I didn't ask for her approval before I started the thing. I started the thing before it, so just be mindful.


Lesley Logan 18:40  

It's okay to want approval in your life, but if you are waiting for that approval before you step out on a path, if the lack of some people's approval has you turning around, I highly recommend you take some time to just really get clear on who you are, what you do, what your values are, because you know I do this in Profitable Pilates, we have people who whose clients complain about a rate increase or a rule, and they're like, "I should change it because this person doesn't like it." It's like this is your business. They cannot like it. They don't have to take Pilates from you, but you are the one who has to live with this business. You're the one who has to pay the bills at the end of the day. You're the one who has to go to bed at night. This is your impact you want to make, so it would be nice if your clients liked the changes, but we cannot use how they feel to determine what we know we have to do for the betterment of our goals and the people that we want to make an impact on. Right? If a client constantly late cancels and never pays the fee because they don't like it, they are keeping someone else who could be very much more consistent and very much needs that time from getting to work with you. So not only is that person screwing you over, it's screwing someone else over. So if you can't make changes based on you, you certainly need to think about the people that it's affecting when you don't listen to yourself.


Lesley Logan 20:03  

All right, my loves, we're gonna be back later this week with our fourth episode in the listening series because once we have cleared out the advice overload, we can reclaim your voice, and so we're actually gonna do that so you can make a good choice in your life. So make sure you turn into the next episode and do the homework between now and then. I would love to hear what you think of these solo episodes. Share this with a friend who needs to hear it. And until next time, Be It Till You See It.


Lesley Logan 20:24  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.


Brad Crowell 21:07  

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.


Lesley Logan 21:12  

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.


Brad Crowell 21:16  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.


Lesley Logan 21:24  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.


Brad Crowell 21:27  

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.



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