In this episode, Lesley breaks down self-love beyond surface-level self-care and explains why it’s foundational to confidence, boundaries, resilience, and healthy relationships. She explores why self-love is often misunderstood, why it can feel so hard to practice, and how societal expectations shape the way women treat themselves. This conversation sets the foundation for a two-part series, with practical tools and practices coming in the next episode.

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In this episode you will learn about:

What self-love actually means beyond self-care and affirmations.
How self-love differs from narcissism and self-interest.
The importance of self-love in building confidence and resilience.
How self-love strengthens confidence through self-commitment.
The impact of societal pressure and past experiences on self-love.

Episode References/Links:

Episode 153: Tanya Dalton - https://beitpod.com/ep153
Learning To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks - https://a.co/d/9r14Yqc
Episode 628: Frances Naudé - https://beitpod.com/ep628
Episode 610: Amy Ledin - https://beitpod.com/ep610
What Happened to You? by Oprah Winfrey & Bruce D. Perry - https://a.co/d/fNSEjJv
Submit your wins or questions - https://beitpod.com/questions

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Resources:

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Episode Transcript:

Lesley Logan 0:00

So what the therapist and psychologists and brain people are saying is it is a foundation for a happy and fulfilled life. What I interpret that as we can't be it till we see it and just sort of like ourselves, like what I don't want you to do is not have that self-love that's like true self-love.

Lesley Logan 0:20

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.

Lesley Logan 1:03

Hey, Be It babe, how are you? Oh my gosh. Okay, so we're doing a two episode series on self-love and a two episode series on burnout, and these kind of came out of doing this series on the habits. And, you know, we've had so many amazing guests on the pod, and it made me think of like they talk about how you have to love yourself, like, I can't even tell you how I probably should have looked it up. How many episodes we have had guests tell us, like, love yourself. Like, you have to have, like, love for yourself. And, like, it got me thinking, like, you know? And you're like, yeah, yeah. Like, you think you know what that means. And then you're like, wait, what does it mean? Like, what? What is self-love, you know? And is it important? And what if we don't do it? And how is it different than burnout, and how is it different than a habit, and how is it different than, like, all these other things. And so I kind of wanted to do just like, a whole episode on, like, what is self-love? Why do we struggle with it? Why do we need it? It's important, right? So we're going to just like, kind of dive in. And if you think I know it already, sure, you can skip this episode and go the next one, which is going to be the tools and the tips and the tricks and the mantras, but I hope we can have, like, a conversation. I mean, obviously you're not here, but like, you can talk in the car together, of like, what, what does this mean? And maybe you have different interpretations, right? Also, in the next episode, I'll share some of the ones that you guys have sent about that with here. I think you guys sent some for self-love and some that kind of go with burnout. And so I'm excited about it.

Lesley Logan 2:20

Okay, so first of all, here is the dry like what the professionals psychology, things like that have to say. Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that involves prioritizing your physical, psychological and spiritual wellbeing with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a loved one, I would also say you'd offer anyone, because I see a lot of people offer strangers more of these things than they do themselves. It includes accepting yourself blahs and all setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care and treating yourself with respect. This is not the same as narcissism, which involves excessive self-interest, but rather a fundamental regard of your own happiness and worth. And I think, like, if we could just, like, leave that right there. You know, like, there's so many things in that it's like, oh, that's what self, like, it's not the same as like, I mean, yes, there are some tools I'll share that like, about loving yourself, like I love myself, but like, actually, these are the ways you can be in self-love. You can be prioritizing your physical, psychological, spiritual well being with the same kindness and passion you would offer a loved one. Another way of saying this that I found on the line was be the adult you always needed to yourself. Tell yourself the words the younger version of you always needed to hear. And that might mean you have to go learn about, like, reparenting right there. And that would be like a therapist, right? So hopefully, like, if any of these things spark your interest, like you are working with a professional therapist of some kind in that way, but like, especially if it involves, like, the reparenting of yourself, and I think a lot of us have to go through that. And by the way, I know a lot of moms are listening, and including mine, like, it's not that you didn't do a great job. You did the best you could, some people, right? And also, there's still things that happen in our lives outside of what our parents did or didn't do that, like are part of what we brought up to ourselves as an adult. And there's stories that we tell ourselves, and those all affect how we treat ourselves, psychologically, physically, spiritually, right? Okay, so just to make sure we are saying things in the same way, same thing in different ways, so that if you have a different way of viewing these words, you get an education around self-love today, here's another thing. So this means self-love can include self-acceptance, so recognizing accepting both your strengths and your weakness without harsh self-criticism. And I think this is the hardest for me, so I'll just give anecdotes to each of these, because I think that at least I like that when people do it. So I think it's easy for us to accept the good parts about ourselves, but then we're really harsh about the not so great parts, and again, not that you like don't try to better what those are. But I think a lot of people who are attracted to the show because I do the same thing, like, we like attract alike is we are then constantly trying to better the things that we don't like about ourselves. Great. Do that, and also don't be harsh, right? There's a difference between a harsh self-criticism and an awareness of things that could be better, but still loving yourself despite of or in spite of that, right? Self-compassion. Self-love is self-compassion. Treating yourself with kindness, especially during difficult times. I definitely struggle with compassion for myself when I kind of do the thing I know I shouldn't have done at the time, and then, you know, you're like, I shouldn't procrastinate right now, and then you do and then, like, everything blows up in your face. I will go into a harsh criticism. I will have a lack of self-compassion. All of that affects the self-love. And when you don't love yourself, it makes it really difficult for you to show up as the highest version of yourself, that's for sure. And it also it makes it really hard for us to accept love and support from others. It's almost hard for us to receive compassion for other people, because we're not giving it to ourselves, and so we don't even recognize compassion when it comes from someone else, right? Self-care is self-love. Actively taking care of your physical, emotional, mental health through actions like eating well, exercising, gain enough rest, and engage in activities you enjoy. And by the way, when it's when I say, whenever you hear me say, eating well or healthy, I think you need to understand like fueling yourself appropriately, right? What allows you to have the best sleep of your life? What allows you to do the movement practice you like, what allows you to do the life you want to live? So there's no such thing as good or bad food or good or bad bodies, right? So, but what are the things that make you feel well? Are you eating foods that you know are going to make you feel like crap? For example, I love Kettle Corn. I really love Kettle Corn, and I can have a handful of Kettle Corn, no problem. But I can't stop with a handful of Kettle Corn most of the time. And so when I am kind of oftentimes being a little too in my head, being a little hard on myself, like having a stressful day, of course, I had to have more Kettle Corn, because why not just really make the already hard day I'm having even harder. And when I have half a bag of Kettle Corn, I feel like my stomach hurts. I have like my skin crawls, and I have the worst night's sleep, right? Well, in doing that, I am not giving myself the self-care that I need, because I'm now affecting tonight's sleep, which means I am not loving myself for the whole day and night, which is going to affect tomorrow, right? So getting enough rest is self-care. That is self-love. And I get really I in researching this, I was really excited, because I find myself, when I lead my retreats, or I lead some of these workshops that I do, like talking to people about, like, why it's so important that they go for a walk in the morning, if that's what they want to do, they want to walk in the morning. Why is it so important? Why is it so important they do Pilates? Because doing activities that help you sleep well, move well, be pain free, are all an act of self-love, and every time I see people not doing it in modernist oftentimes for others, what I'm seeing in the room is like a lack of self-love, and it's limiting how much you can love others. I'm just gonna say it, right?

Lesley Logan 8:22

Okay. Boundary setting. So knowing your limits and saying no when necessary to protect your well being like setting boundaries and upholding those boundaries is self-love. We had a great episode about boundaries with Tanya Dalton. I still really love and recommend that episode. It's so, so good. And what I will say is I know that I come across as someone who is like the strictest of boundaries. I'm gonna tell you right now, I still feel bad when I have to uphold those boundaries, but I know I have to uphold the boundaries because I love myself so much. I know I cannot. I cannot go beyond my limits and still be the person I need to be tomorrow for all the people, right? I will let more people down tomorrow if I let go of my boundaries today, right? All right. Self-respect is self-love. Hvonoring your needs and not sacrificing your well being to please others. Self-respect is self-love. And I I think like we can all nod along and then go, ooh, am I respecting myself? And I will say, the older I get, the easier self-respect is for me to do. The younger I was, the harder it was, right? Because there's like, things that you're like, trying to prove, and you don't want to be liked, and there's all these different things. And so I would just say, like, you know, please explore self-respect with yourself, because if you don't have that, that's like your boundary setting, your self-care, your compassion, your acceptance, I think, is all going to fall under, like the actions you take to respect yourself and then positive self-talk, but consciously replacing negative self-talk with more positive and supportive affirmations. And by the way, if you listen to habit series, it's really hard to do. It's really hard to replace the negative self-talk with positive words, because you have to first, then be aware of the negative self-talk, and you have to, like, get quicker at catching it. So it might take you a whole day right now to catch yourself being an ass to yourself. And then as you are like, okay, I want to have a better, positive self-talk, self-respect, self-compassion, self-care. So that's acceptance, blah, blah, blah. So then maybe you take some of the tools that we're doing, and all of a sudden you realize, whoa, I caught myself talking negatively to myself in half a day. Well, most people are gonna get mad at themselves it took half a day. What you have to do is actually celebrate that it only took half a day, and it can get better. Then it's gonna take you three hours, and then it's gonna take you an hour, and this can take you 30 minutes, and take you three minutes, and it's gonna take you three seconds, that can take years. So give yourself the space and grace and have some positive self-talk and find ways to replace negative things, or maybe tell a friend, like, if you hear me talking about it myself, I need you to do something.

Lesley Logan 10:43

In Cambodia, we have a lot of girls who are apologizing all the time. So as soon as anyone said, I'm sorry, we'd also scream, not helpful, not helpful. You know, and it was, it became something we laughed about. It was so funny, we actually realized, like, wow, a lot of times when I'm saying I'm sorry, I really mean, excuse me, right? And that's a better way to replace it. Okay, so why does this matter? Like, why is it important to have any self-love? So what the therapists and psychologists and brain people are saying is, it is a foundation for a happy and fulfilled life, right?

Lesley Logan 11:14

So what I interpret that is we can't be it till we see it and just sort of like ourselves. Like, what I don't want you to do is not have that self-love, that's like true self-love, and then envision a woman who you think is going to be the thing you should be being it until you see and you go and be it till you see it, but she also doesn't love herself. Like, that'd mean you get all the destination, and you didn't, you didn't make sure it was like, you know what I mean? Like you just become more of something else, but you're not in love with yourself along the way. And so I definitely want to make sure that as you be it till you see it, part of that is loving yourself like how and maybe that's your work this year is like, I'm gonna be it till I see it in self-love, right? Maybe it's not just like a whole person. Maybe it's an area.

Lesley Logan 11:57

Self-love increases self-confidence, self-worth and resilience. And I was like, oh, that's so of course, like, yes, I believe that confidence comes from keeping the commitments you said you would to yourself, okay? It's very easy for a lot of you to keep commitments to other people. So I was very specific, keeping the commitments to yourself that you said you would. That is where self-confidence comes from. But to do that, you have to have all these different areas of self-compassion, self-care, self-love, boundaries, right, self-respect. So when you have self-love, it increases your self-confidence, your self-worth and resilience. And I was like, yes, oh my gosh, that is such an easier way of getting towards having self-confidence, right? It's loving yourself. It leads to healthy relationships with others. You know, we often attract people who mirror a lot about how we feel about ourselves. And like, oh my God, isn't it so embarrassing to, like, look back at the boyfriends you have when you're younger? You're like, what were you thinking? But also, if you think about, like, wow, that's the amount of love I was willing to give myself from myself. So of course, that's what I was willing to accept from somebody else you know. And so if you are in some ways trying to be it till you see it in having a loving, wonderful relationship, I would definitely do some inventory and some self-reflection around what is going on with your self-love. And then another thing of why it's so important is a lack of self-love can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression and burnout. We're gonna have a series on burnout. So of course, this is going to have an overlap with that.

Lesley Logan 13:23

But, you know, I have always said, like, burnout happens when, in the Pilates industry, it happens a lot when people are under-charging and over, you know, working and, yeah, they did that because they have a lack of self-love. Because if you had self-love, you would be charging your worth and keeping your boundaries. Right? Like, a lack of self-love can contribute to feeling of inadequacy. And so like, with all the people with self, imposter syndrome, and I know there's people saying imposter syndrome is, like, made up, but also, like, sure, maybe it is. And also, there's a ton of people who feel inadequate, have anxiety, which is basically fear, okay? Gay Hendricks, in his book says anxiety and fear are the same thing. And depression, well, of course, I mean, I think you can love yourself and still have a low day, so I'm not going to say you won't ever be depressed, but it is going to contribute to those feelings. And so I do wonder, like, if the more we have some self-respect, self-compassion, have positive self-talk, how that is going to improve our feelings of around us, like, does it actually mean that your imposter syndrome just becomes less and less and maybe you only feel it when you're brand new at something? I believe that's it. That's why self I think self-love is even more important than I thought when we started doing the series. Like, I was like, oh yeah, of course, we have to have self-love. Let's figure out how to help people do that. And then I'm like, oh my God, this is so the most important fucking thing we can all be doing.

Lesley Logan 14:41

Okay. So what can self-love look like? So some of this stuff is going to sound redundant, but again, I'm saying it all because I think we need to hear the same things in different ways. So some of you might be like, oh, got it. I gotta work on my boundaries. I gotta work on my self-talk. Gone, done. You don't need any more. And some of us are like, okay, I need all these things. But what does it look like? And this is where I am always like, okay, tell me the how. I got it. I'm in. I love it all. I co-sign. Tell me how, right. I'm a how girl. So what does self-love mean to you, and what does it look like? So it can mean talking to and about yourself with love. So, like, one of the things you could do is like, notice this week how you talk about yourself. Are you talking about all the things you messed up when you tell a friend about how the day went? Are you talking about how you, like, did something really amazing, right? Talking to and about yourself with love. I walk around this house and I like, do different things, like, oh my God, wow, I just connected that to that I'm so amazing. Like, I get really pleased with myself when, like, I had to move my Reformer the other day without Brad and I took the carriage out, stood inside the frame, squatted down, like I was doing a little like deadlift, and then, like, move the frame and put the thing out. I'm like, so strong. I'm so glad I could be independent. Like that, that is an act of self love, that kind of talk, right? So you, these are, like, there's little things you can do that in every single day, little ways you can do that in every single day.

Lesley Logan 16:01

Prioritizing yourself. That self-love looks like prioritizing yourself. Self-love looks like giving yourself a break from self-judgment. So maybe you start to notice you're judging yourself, and you're like, I gotta replace it with positive words. What if you just didn't? What if you just stopped just to go, okay, I'm gonna set a timer for 15 minutes and go do something else, think of something else, like, take a break from the judgment. Okay, maybe it means getting rid of mirrors for a bit. Or, you know, things like, if that, where in your life are you actually judging yourself the most? How can you like? Is there a way you can take a pause from that project? Is there a way that you can set yourself up for success? You're actually like, get like, you can actually give yourself a break from the self-judgment. Self-love can look like trusting yourself, trusting yourself. I think a lot of us get really excited about a decision we make, and then we ask other people how they feel about that, and then we change our decision based on others. And look, I change my decisions a lot based on input from others when I'm like working on a project with the team, whatever. But like, that's not what I'm talking about. Yes, if someone gives you better information, you should bring that in and but also, if you know that you need to sleep for seven hours, and other people are like, oh, I can't believe you only need to sleep for seven hours, trusting yourself is way better than going, hmm, I guess I'm wrong. Maybe. I mean, they said I should sleep for eight hours. If you know, what is it you need. Gotta trust yourself, right? Like, that's some of the best things you can do. I found, like, you know, Brad and I've been like, advocating for our health a lot lately. And one of the things I've noticed that when I talk to my doctors in a way that has I'm advocating myself. I have the paperwork to say, like, when I sleep this many hours a night, I feel like X, Y and Z in the morning. And when I sleep for this many hours a night, I feel like this. And when I do blah, blah, blah, I feel like this. When I do this, when I talk like that, they don't doubt me. They actually go, okay, so what I'm hearing is blank, and what that sounds like is when you do X, Y and Z. So because I'm trusting myself, I'm not going, you know, I mean, when I sleep this many hours, I feel the best when I sleep this many hours, I don't like, I'm not doubting myself, I'm trusting myself. And then, therefore, my doctor and I can work as a team together. And so what I'm saying is, like, oftentimes we don't give off that we trust ourselves. And so other people feel like, Oh, you're asking a question you want me to put in. You want me to like, I'm going to give you some suggestions. And then that doesn't help with the trust, right? Self-love looks like being true to yourself, being true to yourself. And, you know, that goes, that goes hand in hand with one thing we're gonna talk about in a second. So I'll tell that's right when I get to that one. But I just want to say, like, being true to yourself. So if you don't, if you don't know how to be true to yourself, I really need you to take some time. Frances Naudé's episode is around the same one dropping, and she talks a lot about how, like, you have to live at your highest self. And she has some tips on like, how do you be true to yourself? How do you trust yourself? Being nice to yourself is a way to look at self-love. So if you have self-love, you are nice to yourself. You're wondering what self-love looks like, be nice to yourself. What do you if you know you need to get up and go get a glass of water, go do that. That is being nice to yourself, that is listening to yourself, is trusting yourself, right? I used to like, okay, so when I was teaching Pilates, I would go to the bathroom between every single client. Now that I work at a desk most of the time, I have found myself falling into that ADHD thing where I just keep working until like, oh my God, like, I finally have earned the right to go to the bathroom. And someone like voted me and going, ADHD, ladies, you don't need to earn the right to go to the bathroom. Just go to the bathroom. Being nice to yourself is going to the bathroom. It's just like getting up, hitting pause, and that is self-love. That is self-love. Okay, so do you see how, like, all of a sudden, self love becomes so much easier? Yes, some of these things are harder to do, break, taking a break from self-judgment, especially if you've been doing it for your whole life. But you can also just simply be nice to yourself, and that could kick off the self-love ball and domino.

Lesley Logan 20:00

All right, setting healthy boundaries. So, at the be true to yourself. One of the things I know about me is I do need time alone. And we had my in-laws came to visit. Was so much fun, but also, like with them here, it meant that I didn't have a lot of time by myself, and so I didn't talk to any of my friends or other family members during that time, not because I didn't want to, but because I knew that I needed the times I could have alone, I needed them alone. Being true to myself was making sure I had time as an introvert to recharge and refuel, and it meant I needed to keep my boundaries up and not give in to oh my God, I feel so bad. I haven't talked to that person. Of course I feel bad. I'm still gonna feel bad, but also I'm not. I can't feel bad and tired and shitty. So loving myself, being true to myself, understanding like, yes, it is. I'm sure some people think it's weird and annoying. I need to have so much time by myself, but I need to do that so I can be there for others, and setting healthy boundaries around that is important. We also, then had a friend who needed to use our guest bedroom 48 hours later. And of course I wanted to help go, yeah, stay as long as you want. No, we just had too many in our, we had two people in our house for 10 days. We have people coming to our house next week. I can't do that, so here's what I can do. And do you want to know something? They're okay with it. They're totally fine with it. They didn't go, oh, what a bitch, like, what a bitch. No, because they, too, have healthy boundaries because they love themselves. So self-love is setting healthy boundaries and keeping them.

Lesley Logan 21:24

Forgiving yourself when you aren't being true or nice to yourself. So I love that this is like at the end, because it's like, oh my God, I, like, by time you hear all this, you'd be like, well, here's all the different ways I didn't love myself today. So, forgive yourself, and that is an act of self-love for you today, and you'll just do better the next time, right? So, and I think that this is a really good, like, maybe thing to write down or think about it, just remember that self-love isn't just about loving the easy parts of ourselves. It means loving every single part of ourselves. So even the inner critic, like, in fact, maybe the inner critic just needs to be loved a little bit, right? So, why is it so hard? Why is it so hard to love ourselves? I feel like, oh my God, it's actually just like Lesley just gave out so many different ways I could love myself and it should be so easy. Like, why is it so hard? So this is, well, the patriarchy, we're just gonna say. But seriously, women often struggle with self-love due to societal expectations to prioritize others. Perfectionism is another reason why we have a struggle with self-love and being bombarded with unrealistic beauty and life standards. So it is hard to love ourselves when every single time you look in the magazines and on TV and all this, you're being shown what the standard for beauty and being a wonderful woman is, and you feel like you aren't able to match and meet those so of course, it's hard. You won't. It's like, how you have to like, I mean, if the resiliency you have to have to like, see those people and go, I don't need to look like them, and I'm still amazing. That takes time. So if you are struggling with comparing yourself to what society says is what we're should be living up to, you are not alone. It takes a long time it and what I would say is, like, go back to the things that we did, and what is something easy you can do. Because as you start to build your self love muscle, becomes easier to not fall for the expectations of society, which, by the way, isn't going to be there for you, right? Even if you reach whatever they think the bar is, they're gonna move the bar anyways. So past negative experiences make it hard to love ourselves, right, such as criticism, trauma, feeling undervalued, these things can also deeply impact self-worth.

Lesley Logan 23:22

So like, let's be real. Who, the stories that you got from people who were around you in your life at pivotal times, and the experiences you had, those things can affect you, especially if you had a family member or friend who told you you weren't beautiful, you weren't lovable, you weren't pretty. If you heard that and then something like, hey, I feel that, and I really do hope that you are not just doing self-reflection, but actively seeking someone who can help you, because you are so worthy of self-love, and as you've already learned, self-love is so important when it comes to all the other things you want to have in your life, it'd be really hard to have an amazing, wonderful partner who loves you if you don't love yourself, because it's gonna be hard for you to feel and believe that love is true. I'm not saying you can't attract it or that you don't have that. I'm saying like it's just going to be hard for you to believe that it's real and true. Right now I want you to have that, okay? Additionally, cultural conditioning can teach women to be quiet, put others first, and feel guilty for practicing self-care, making self-love seem selfish or out of reach. And I will say that this last part is really important to me. As a woman business owner who serves female mostly, and a few good men clients in our membership, it's online. Women will cancel the membership because of all the demands on them that they feel from others, and they have a hard time putting themselves first because they feel selfish or indulgent or that, you know, I just like, you know, I can't do all of it, so if that's why I do none of it, you know, or I'm only using five minutes at a time, so I should cancel this. The male members never do that. That's not why they quit. They quit because, like, oh, I'm taking three months off for. Surgery, that's when they quit. So I say that because, ladies, we have to take the perfectionism off the table. Love ourselves, be proud of the few minutes we do do and then prioritize those. It is essential. And if you didn't listen to the episode with Amy Ledin, the most recent one we had in December, go listen to that. She's a mom of five with cancer, and she's kicking ass, and she prioritizes her movement. And, you know, I'm not saying that you have to do everything like she does, but I want you to have an example of people can be busy, can have hard lives, and still can love themselves enough to put themselves first, right?

Lesley Logan 25:35

All right. So the other things, obviously, we have societal, cultural pressures. So there's prioritizing others. Women are often socialized to be caregivers. Definitely have to be the caregivers. They're often because we are still paid less. They're often the ones that need to leave the workplace, if that's what's needed in a family, someone gets sick. We obviously know we have a lot of women who listen to the show, who are in the sandwich generation, and so it's really, it really does mean that you put other people first, and over time, that means maybe not loving yourself as much as you could be, and that is affecting other areas in your life and your belief in yourself and what you can do and what's possible. So I'm not saying don't take care of others. What I'm saying is you have to prioritize yourself first and then take care of others. Because truly, your ability to care for others isn't a Venn diagram of what you can actually do, and where I see a lot of people struggle with that, we'll talk more about it in burnout series when they give more, right? So love yourself enough. Prioritize yourself over others. Other reasons why it's really hard for us as women is unrealistic expectations. We talked about that with society, the standard of beauty, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God, the motherhood bull crap. Oh my, the Instagram on, on, you know, all this trad wife stuff like, if that's what you want, that's what you want, that's great. But ladies, you do not have to be that as a mom, you can be whatever you want, right? So what are these unrealistic expectations people are putting on us suck? So what are the expectations you want for yourself? I can be true to that. That's self-love, right? And then obviously society has this immense pressure for us to be perfect. The past experience, in personal history, in your childhood experience, so remember, that's the childhood experience you had. Those like early experience with caregivers and emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving, that can lead to a belief that you're not inherently lovable, which makes it really hard to love yourself. So a great book to explore, this is, What Happened to You? I love this book is with Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry, and I think it's a really great way to have empathy for yourself, but also empathy for others. So obviously, so many people experience trauma, especially as children, that can affect your ability to love yourself. There could have been a life event. You could have gone self-love all day long, and then a life event happened. And so one, be, have so much compassion for yourself. And then let's figure out where, where that happened, and what are these things that we talked about so far that could help you work on that self-love? Feeling undervalued. So you know, when we're underpaid or under supported, or we're not aware of our worth and demanding that because we don't have our boundaries up, we're gonna feel undervalued. That's going to affect our self-love, right? That's really hard. So, and then there's internalized beliefs, the shoulds the guilt or the need for external validation. So if you are someone who is needing external validation to love yourself, it is going to be hard, right? So we do have to figure out a way around that. That might be you have to do something within therapy to do that, because many women tie their worth to external achievements and validation they receive from others, rather than internal sense of self-acceptance. And so if you don't have an internal sense of self-acceptance. It's hard to have that self-compassion, and if you're always waiting for someone else to love you before you love yourself, it makes it really hard to receive that love, right?

Lesley Logan 28:28

So okay, in the next episode, we're going to go around some tools for self-love. There's some great books that I want to give you. There's some mantras I want to give you, but what I'd love for you to do as your homework, as I would just love for you to like reflect upon this, maybe listen to it again. What were the things that stood out in the self-love that surprised you, or maybe good and you're like, oh, that's, that's where I'm struggling right now. I would love to know, I'd love for you to share it. You can share it via beitpod.com/questions. You can bring it as a you know, just share that. You can leave it in a review. You can comment on this video on YouTube or on our Instagram, because I would love to hear like what a part of self-love is easy for you, what part is a challenge for you. And by the way, my ADHD ladies, it is harder for us because internalized negative feedback. Women with ADHD may have a lifetime of being misunderstood or criticized for symptoms leading them to believe that they are inherently flawed, and so a lot of women with ADHD are diagnosed late, if at all, and so they're often like, there's like, oh my God, there's something wrong with me. I don't I don't fit in the way people do, and so they have a hard time with self-love. So hi, my ADHD ladies, this part, I wanted to make sure you knew it. It can be harder for us, right? Blaming oneself for failures like because there's a tendency to attribute failures to internal flaws and successes to luck, personal factors, which damages self-esteem, which makes it hard to have self-love. There's a hightened sensitivity to rejection. So women with ADHD are often more highly sensitive to feedback or rejection, leading them to interpret things more negatively. And personally, I see you, and that means it's harder to have self-compassion, right? So, and then also, women with ADHD, often go through a shame cycle. This sensitivity can lead to a cycle of shame and self-criticism, making it difficult to accept strengths or celebrate achievements, which is why we have a wins day. We win on Friday, like we have a wins day, win, W-I-N-S day on purpose, because I need that for me to keep having the self-love it because it's hard for me, like it's hard for me to go ever, like with the ADHD, with all that stuff, it's like, can be so hard to celebrate things until they're done. So I purposely have this in place so that there is a celebration of wins every single Friday for all of us, so that we can have, maybe we can get rid of that shame cycle just a little bit right, and have more ease and self-love. And then lastly, societal expectations. So on top of what we talked about, societal expectations on women in general, combined with undiagnosed or late diagnosed ADHD symptoms, can lead to feelings of measuring up and harsh self judgment. That harsh self-judgment, as we know, makes it hard to have self-love, self-compassion, kind words.

Lesley Logan 30:55

You're all so amazing. I really hope that you guys are liking these little series. If there are other ones, you have topics you want us to bring up, or guest we want to bring in, please let us know. Right now, what part of the self-love comes easy for you, what part is hard, and then stay tuned to our next episode, where we'll go over some tools. Thanks so much until next time, Be It Till You See It.

Lesley Logan 31:14

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.

Brad Crowell 31:57

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.

Lesley Logan 32:02

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.

Brad Crowell 32:06

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.

Lesley Logan 32:13

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.

Brad Crowell 32:16

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.

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640. What It Really Means to Love Yourself